


Is All Hope Lost?

by Beloved_nalla



Series: The Wounds We Leave Behind [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abduction, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Smut, Suicide Attempt, abuse recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 03:50:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 22,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1967871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beloved_nalla/pseuds/Beloved_nalla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo is captured and taken prisoner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Bilbo woke up with a knot on his head, his temples aching from the searing pain radiating through his skull. He brought his hand to his head, feeling a sticky liquid coating his golden curls.

_What has happened?_ Bilbo thought, looking around the small room that he was in. There was a small wrought iron cot against the wall and a barred door. It seemed like a cell and perhaps it was, but Bilbo could not understand how he came to be there.

_Where is Thorin?_ Bilbo wondered, hoping that his husband would make an appearance, but he did not.

“Hello?” Bilbo called. The hallway beyond the bars seemed disserted. The hobbit pressed his forehead against the cold bars. He couldn’t hear a sound beyond the cell he was in; except for the rumbling of his stomach needing nourishment although he doubted any food would come.

~

Bilbo was sure that he had been lying upon the cot for days when someone finally approached his cell. He barely had the strength to lift his head up from the mattress to gaze at the elf that stood before his door.

_Elf?_ He thought. _Why is there an elf here?_

The Halfling pushed himself up on his elbows, glancing at the being.

“Where am I?” Bilbo asked. The elf remained silent, only gazing upon the hobbit that was imprisoned behind the bars. He could not see the creature’s face, only the outline of its figure. It was thin and had ears that slightly resembled Bilbo’s, but the creature stood with a distinct stature. Bilbo sat up completely, studying the elf before him. The being stood with a sense of authority and power; the posture of a king. Bilbo had seen the same qualities in Thorin’s own posture. He stood tall and regal, letting everyone in the room know he was in charge. The elf before him was a ruler. Bilbo glanced around the cell once more, noticing the shape of the bars that were the door. He had seen those bars before. He knew where he was and who stood before him in that moment.

“Thranduil,” Bilbo whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

After his first encounter with the elven king he had kept quiet as best he could. There was so much he didn’t understand and he knew the wrath of the elf from personal experience. The company had been imprisoned in these very cells during their journey to reclaim Erebor. Bilbo had rescued them, fleeing out of the halls in barrels, but he knew there would be no escape this time, not unless the company came for him. He squandered his hope though, knowing that the possibility was tiny. The elven king would not be fooled this time with meager escape plans. Bilbo was stuck, but for how long he did not know.

Every so often guards would bring him food to eat, probably to keep him alive. He didn’t know of any instances where prisoners were given special treatment, but then again he had never been a true prisoner until now. He wondered if Thorin and the company were looking for him. Bilbo knew that Thorin would be going crazy without him. The dwarf king had worked hard to keep Bilbo in Erebor. He would never allow this to happen to the hobbit willingly. He hoped that something was being done to find him.

~

Bilbo felt that he would be bound in his cell forever, until he heard the bar door creaking open. He sat up fast, seeing Thranduil enter. Bilbo moved to the far end of the cot and brought his knees to his chest. He didn’t want to be anywhere near the elf.

“Is that any way to greet your king, Halfling?” Thranduil’s voice was smooth and arrogant. Bilbo hated him for it already.

“You are not my king.” Bilbo’s voice was laced with hate, knowing that the elven king deserved the harshness for what he had done, trapping Bilbo here to rot. The elf moved swiftly towards him, bending do that his face was close to Bilbo’s. He felt Thranduil’s hand tracing its way up his leg, a smirk on his face. The hobbit pushed his hand away, spitting on the elven king. Thranduil drew back slowly, coming to his full height.

“In time you will see things my way.” Thranduil left the cell without looking back. Bilbo let out a breath that he hadn’t been aware of holding in, feeling dread welling up inside of him.

“Thorin, please hurry,” Bilbo whispered in the dark.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Bilbo woke to the feeling of hands pulling at his trousers. He moved frantically, attempting to get away from the forceful hands, but he felt something restraining him, physical confines that he could not see. He struggled against his invisible chains without success. He looked up at the figure hovering above him, white hair framing a delicate face made of stone. Thranduil gazed down at Bilbo who felt fear seeping through his pores. Bilbo barely noticed the other elf in the room until the elven king instructed his subject to fully remove the hobbit’s trousers, even if he had to knock Bilbo unconscious.

Bilbo decided to stop fighting as much, hoping that he would avoid harm for a short time, if any. He felt disgust course through him as he watched Thranduil instruct someone else to do his dirty work.

_Such a coward_ , Bilbo thought as Thranduil gave the Halfling a knowing glance as if to say that he knew what Bilbo thought of him. The hobbit took a deep breath. He would not give in to the elven king so easily, as to be deterred by smirks and glances. He would fight against him if he had too.

“It was wise of you to cease your fighting,” Thranduil mused. “Things will be a lot easier for you if you obey me.”

Bilbo pulled against his restraints defiantly. The elven king came closer right when the hobbit kicked at him. A smirk crossed Thranduil’s face.

“Chain him to the wall,” Thranduil command coolly to his subject. Bilbo was thrust up against the stone wall, his chest colliding with the material, everything below him waist exposed to the elf before him.

“I suppose I will have to break you in since you cannot obey such simple rules.”

Bilbo tried to keep calm as he felt strips of leather being traced across his exposed backside. His eyes darted back and forth, searching the stone for a way out, but only finding his fear rising as he felt the strips pulling away from his body.

“This will be your first lesson.” Thranduil brought the whip across Bilbo’s backside, the leather leaving marks on the delicate skin. Bilbo clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. The leather stung his skin once more, harder the second time.

“I will break you.”

Bilbo wasn’t sure how many times Thranduil whipped him, but he felt the blood running down his skin, pooling at his feet from the cuts the leather had left. Tears streaked his face and his body felt numb. Thranduil had made each lick more painful than the one before and as hard as Bilbo tried to contain his cries, many escaped his throat during the encounter. After the elven king had ceased the beating and unchained the hobbit, leaving him alone in his cell, Bilbo had sobbed for Thorin, wanting his husband to save him from this foul place. Bilbo felt helpless and he wished for something good to come out of this. _Perhaps Thranduil’s death…_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Days had passed since Bilbo had last been whipped as punishment in refusing to obey Thranduil. The scars were embedded in the skin on Bilbo’s shoulders and backside, not to mention in his mind. He felt pain radiate through him with each movement he made, causing him to remain still for as long as he could manage. He would lay on the small cot without moving for hours, even when food was brought to him.

The hobbit had a hard time fathoming how he had come to be in this cell, wondering what had happened to result in his capture. He wondered if he could coerce the answers out of the elven king, but he doubted that he would succumb to such bluntness.

Bilbo thought about how Thorin had accused Thranduil of abandoning the dwarves of Erebor when Smaug had come. Thranduil had acted rashly after being called out about his actions, giving in to Thorin by revealing things only the elven king had known. That was what Bilbo had to do. He would call Thranduil out about the night Bilbo had been captured.

_But where to start?_ Bilbo thought.

~

As if on cue, Thranduil strode into Bilbo’s cell, a lacky behind him.

_Can he not do anything without someone helping him?_ Bilbo thought. He tried to get a glance at the other elf, but couldn’t make out any distinct features. Elves were very similar in build and they all had long, thin hair. They all were swift with arrows and swords as well. Bilbo had once admired their skills as warriors, always precise and perfect with execution, but now Bilbo despised the elves before him. He hated Thranduil with a passion that was rooted deep within his soul. Hobbits were gentle creatures by nature, but Bilbo felt the need to drive a sword deep into the elven king’s heart until it was obliterated.

“Why are you doing this?” Bilbo asked, looking directly at Thranduil.

“Because I can.”

“You will pay for this. Thorin will –“

“Will what?” Thranduil’s lips turned up in a dark smile. “I’m afraid the King under the Mountain will not be doing anything.” Thranduil moved closer to Bilbo. “Thorin Oakenshield is dead. I killed him.”

Bilbo felt his heart sink. “You lie.”

“Do I?” The smirk on Thranduil’s face confirmed what he said. Bilbo blinked back tears that were threating to spill down his face.

_Could this be true?_ Bilbo wondered. _It cannot be_.

Thranduil nodded towards Bilbo, indicating the elf to restrain Bilbo. The hobbit didn’t fight when he was put up against the wall where he had been whipped many times over. He only wished for the occurrence to be finished with so that he might find sleep tonight, where he mind would likely conjure up Thorin.

But, the whipping did not come. Bilbo waited, the silence within the cell pregnant, until he felt slim fingers pulling at his trousers. He gulped, holding back a whimper. The hands that grazed his skin were delicate and feminine, almost as if they belonged to a female. There was no time for Bilbo to figure out who the lacky was because the hands were gone after his trousers were removed.

The delicate hands were replaced by bigger hands with long, prying fingers. Bilbo felt the fingers tracing over his scarred flesh. He knew that it was Thranduil touching him. The elven king had knelt down enough to whisper in Bilbo’s ear.

“No one’s coming to save you.”

Bilbo tried to breathe and remain calm, but his control was faltering. He felt something pushing against his soft cheeks, only to realize that the elven king had pressed his erection against Bilbo. The hobbit feared what he knew would come next.

Bilbo bit down on his lower lip hard, suppressing a sob as he felt Thranduil invading him. Bilbo had only ever been intimate with Thorin. The dwarf king had been loving and gentle with Bilbo until the hobbit had given him the okay to be rough. Bilbo had offered it to Thorin who had wanted him to sure of the decision. Thranduil was now taking what Bilbo had never offered him, soiling Bilbo deep in his soul. He felt tears streaking his face, little cries escaping his throat as he realized what was fully happening to him. Thranduil’s words echoed in his mind, making him realize that no one was coming to his rescue. This is where he would meet his fate and there was nothing he could do about it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)

Bilbo felt as if weeks had passed by since the last time he ate. His stomach ached with emptiness, but he had little strength to move so that he could reach the tray of food that sat at the cell’s door. Bruises covered his body, patches of blue and yellow scattering his skin, some fresher than others. In some areas large scars coated the once delicate skin. After all of the pain he had suffered from the abuse and rape he still felt his heart beating, thumping steadily to keep him alive. Bilbo wished it wouldn’t. He saw only darkness surrounding him and a stain rested upon his soul. He longed for death to claim him so that he would suffer Thranduil’s wrath no longer and so that he may rest with his beloved Thorin in death.

The hobbit tried many times at ending his suffering only to be stopped by the elves guarding his cell. Eventually everything that could be used as a tool in death was removed from his cell. Recently, Thranduil had ordered twenty-four hour surveillance at Bilbo’s door so that he didn’t try anything else that would deprive the elven king of his plans.

Ever since the hobbit had learned of Thorin’s death he had given up hope, complying with Thranduil’s abuse. Bilbo had no fight left so he did as he was told, numbing his mind while the elven king made visits to him. During the nights Bilbo would let out his fear and grief, crying out for Thorin and sobbing until sleep claimed his body.

Thranduil had tried to tame Bilbo even further by allowing him to eat dinner with the elven king, giving him time out of his dark cell, but Bilbo had been in no mood to entertain Thranduil’s expectations. The hobbit had been sent back to his cell after Thranduil had had enough of the grieving Halfling.

Bilbo had begun to feel a hollowness taking up residence within him when a young female elf brought him a letter. She had explained that the Wandering Wizard had sent it and that she had went to great lengths to sneak it past Thranduil. Bilbo didn’t argue at the time, just took the letter from her and hid it soon after reading its contents.

_Master Baggins,_

_I leave word with you quickly hoping this finds you in time. The company is doing all that they can to get to you, but the gates are heavily guarded. It will take some time to devise an adequate plan for rescue, but we are coming. Hold on a little longer, dear hobbit._

_Gandalf_

After reading the letter Bilbo believed it to be a trick to give his lost hope life once again. He would not allow it to happen. The company was not coming for him. That elf had just forged the letter to convince Bilbo of the very things that were not true. Bilbo thought of burning the letter with the small candle flame that sat near the door, but instead he hid it in the cot where he slept. He would not succumb to the very tricks the elves were playing.

~

“Halfling.”

Bilbo cracked open his eyelids, glancing at the cell door to see the female elf kneeling by the bars. She was whispering and gesturing him near, but Bilbo felt his bones ache as he attempted to sit up. He lay on the cot, looking in the door’s direction.

“You must get up,” she whispered frantically. Bilbo sighed, pushing up on his elbows gently.

“What do you want?” Bilbo asked annoyed. She gestured to him once more, causing Bilbo to sigh audibly. He moved slowly and made his way to her. He noticed that the guard was gone for the moment, which was unusual since all of the guards traded shifts at the cell. He looked at the elf before him.

“What is this about?”

“I’m trying to help. You must listen to me.”

  “Why would you help me?” Bilbo’s brow furrowed in confusion. No elf had offered him help in his solitude, not even when he was near death. They sat back and watched him suffer without feeling anything. What was so different about this elf?

“The dwarves of Erebor are coming for you.”

Bilbo’s eyes narrowed. “No they’re not. No one is.”

“How can you be so sure, Halfling?”

“Because my husband is dead. What would dwarves need with me now? I was nothing, but a burden upon them.” Bilbo sniffled.

“I know where they are in the woods. They try to find a way in without detection, but they cannot. They send messages to you through me. I want to help you.”

“Why?” Bilbo shouted.

“Because I know Thranduil’s wrath better than anyone. I know what he does to you in this cell. I know of his lies. He tells you things to keep you subdued and weak, to make you lose all hope of ever leaving this place.”

Bilbo gripped the bars of the door. “How would you know what he does to me?”

The elf was silent, looking away for a brief moment. Bilbo understood then how she knew.

“You’re the elf that does his bidding.”

“It is my punishment for corrupting his son, for loving Legolas.” She looked deep into Bilbo’s eyes. “You must stay strong, Bilbo. If you let him win you will lose yourself in this prison.”

“I have already lost myself. I have nothing left.” Bilbo went back to the cot and lay upon it. He closed his eyes against the elf’s words.

“You cannot give up.”

Bilbo sighed and shook the conversation from his mind. No one was coming for him and deep down he knew it was the truth.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Bilbo felt as if a year had passed by since he had last seen the sun or breathed fresher air. His only view was that of his cell, which held no windows. Not a sight to behold, truly. Bilbo had spent enough time locked away to know that he had lost time, patches of darkness faltering his account of what day it was and how long he had been in the cell. He wondered how much longer he would have to wait until something happened.

Music filtered into Bilbo’s small prison from above in the halls of Thranduil’s kingdom. It sounded as if the elven king was having a grand gathering, happiness surrounding everyone in attendance, never suspecting the misery that Bilbo felt in his heart just beneath them. He longed for the halls of Erebor where he knew happiness and safety. But, he knew he would never see those magnificent halls again.

Bilbo gazed at the ceiling while he lay on the stiff cot. It reeked of gloominess, but it was the only view he had. He wondered if the sun had set and revealed the moon for those who roamed about in the night. He wondered what Thorin had seen in his last moments before death claimed him. He desperately hoped that he would see Thorin once more after death had come for Bilbo. Maybe some peace would finally come for him in the afterlife.

Bilbo’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard the rustling of feet running down the corridor. He glanced towards the cell door, noticing that the guards that had been stationed there were gone. The hobbit wondered what could have forced them to leave so suddenly without fearing Thranduil’s wrath. Bilbo tried to concentrate on the sounds he heard around him, but silence had fallen over the halls. Even the music from above had ceased. Something had happened, but what Bilbo did not know. He waited for something to happen. Perhaps someone would invade his cell and kill him, sparing him anymore torture. But, no one came. Bilbo began to feel sleep’s pull, allowing it to take him rather than wait for his death sentence any longer.

~

Tauriel followed Thranduil to Bilbo’s cell, where the hobbit lay unconscious on the small cot. The elven king reached for the hobbit, but suddenly stopped. He turned to face Tauriel, who had her dagger drawn. She refused to allow the king to escape the invasion that had taken place only moments ago. He fled the dwarf company, but he would not escape the elf that he had blackmailed into helping him torture an innocent being. Thranduil smirked at her, laughing slightly.

“You will not go against me, Tauriel. You are too weak.”

Tauriel cocked her head and gazed at the elven king. “Do not underestimate me.”

“I would never underestimate you, let alone anyone. You are a loyal subject; you do as you’re told. You always have.”

“You will not run from what you did, Thranduil.”

“You won’t kill me. You risk losing the love my son has for you if you.”

“I don’t.” A voice sounded. Tauriel looked behind her to see a dwarf standing at her side. He had long dark locks, two braids framing his face within the mess of hair. His stance was that of a warrior and his piercing blue eyes were locked at the elven king. He rushed him, bringing the hilt of his sword against Thranduil’s middle. Tauriel moved then, colliding the hilt of her dagger with Thranduil’s mouth. The elf sank to the floor while Tauriel continued to wound him. He crawled towards the barred door until Tauriel blocked his way, her bow and arrow drawn at the elven king. Her gaze fell on the dwarf that was knelt by the hobbit wondering what their connection was.

~

Thorin rushed to Bilbo after he realized that the female elf was helping him. His burglar was severely injured and barely awake. Bruises covered the small hobbit, black patches everywhere. Blood coated his face and legs. Thorin tried to contain his anger at his husband’s condition. He would kill the elven king with pleasure for what he did to Bilbo.

“Bilbo,” Thorin whispered to his husband. Bilbo moved slightly, opening his eyes a bit.

“Thorin?” The dwarf king nodded and tried a smile for his hobbit. “I’m going to take you home, my love.” Thorin kissed Bilbo’s forehead. He turned when he heard a harsh laugh. Thranduil lay on the stone floor laughing at Thorin.

The dwarf king brought his sword to Thranduil’s throat. “I think it time to end this.” Thorin pressed the blade against the elf king’s skin.

“You can’t take anything away from me, but I’ve already taken everything away from you.” Thranduil laughed hoarsely.

“You’ve taken nothing from me.” Thorin raised the blade of his sword. Thranduil laughed spitting blood at Thorin’s boots.

“He is dying inside. His soul is mine. I have stolen his hope and ruined his purity. He will never feel anything, but disgust and fear when you touch him. He may still be here physically, but his mind is gone. He will never be the same.”

Thorin brought the blade forward quickly, dislodging the head of the elven king from the rest of the body. He refused to allow Thranduil laid claim to Bilbo any longer.

Thorin sheathed his blade, gently lifting Bilbo into his arms. The hobbit whimpered, tears streaking his face from the pain that shot through him at the sudden movement. “Let’s get you out of this place.” Thorin tried to move swiftly without causing Bilbo anymore discomfort. Once they were out of the woodland kingdom, the company helped make Bilbo comfortable in the makeshift wagon that was hitched to a pony. Once Bilbo was secured they made their way back to Erebor, Thorin never leaving Bilbo’s side.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is back in Erebor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

After settling back in Erebor, Bilbo had spent a lot of time shut in his private chambers. The only person that Bilbo wanted to see was Thorin, but the dwarf king had insisted on Bilbo seeing Gandalf. Bilbo wouldn’t even allow a doctor near him. Thorin had had to be told what to do about the injuries so that he could help Bilbo because the hobbit wasn’t allowing anyone else near him. Thorin worried that Bilbo would remain that way for a while. Bilbo still hadn’t told Thorin everything that had happened to him while he was in that cell, but Thorin didn’t push. He knew Bilbo would tell him when he was ready.

Thorin had made Bilbo stay in bed for days after returning so that he could rest and heal physically. Bilbo had slept for hours at a time only waking to eat. Thorin had made sure that plenty of food was brought to the hobbit when he wanted it. That first week Thorin had done everything for Bilbo, even helping him bathe. Walking had become a chore, draining so much energy from Bilbo when he tried to move around that Thorin decided to carry him wherever he needed to go for a whole week.

When Bilbo began trying to walk on his own he hadn’t succeeded. Thorin had had to help him, allowing Bilbo to lean on him while he walked. Thorin was patient with the hobbit in his recovery. He tended to the bruises and scars, of which Bilbo had tried to conceal from him. It had taken a lot of coaxing to get Bilbo to let the dwarf king mend the scars. Bilbo had felt shame wash over him as his scarred skin had been exposed. Thorin had tried to be gentle with cleaning the cuts and dressing them, but Bilbo had winced many times and even cried out during that.

As Bilbo watched Thorin bustle around the room he wondered if he felt as Bilbo did: vulnerable. Even though sleep came easy to the hobbit, it often came with dreadful nightmares of his time locked away in a cell in Mirkwood. He often saw Thranduil coming for him, causing Bilbo to wake panting, covered in sweat, and even screaming at times. Thorin would soothe him and get him to relax enough to sleep once more, but it was rare for Bilbo to go without the nightmares. Bilbo’s thoughts were broken when he heard Thorin’s voice.

“Bilbo?”

The Halfling looked at the dwarf king. “Huh?”

“Where did you go just now? I’ve been talking to you, but…” Thorin trailed off.

Bilbo looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry. I was just distracted.” Thorin approached him and sat on the bed next to him.

“Do you want to rest for a bit instead of going to the garden?” Thorin gently tucked a curl behind the hobbit’s ear. Bilbo shook his head, pushing the blankets back and moving his legs towards the edge of the bed. Thorin helped him stand and get dressed. Bilbo had asked Thorin about walking to the garden that Bilbo had planted. He had always found peace there and hoped that he might now when he needed it most.

As they made their way through the halls, Bilbo only noticed certain things. There were many dwarves moving through the halls going about their business. None of them spoke to Bilbo or Thorin, which the hobbit was grateful for. He had been bombarded with questions when he was bought back to the mountain that he just wanted to scream. He wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened with Thranduil and he wasn’t sure he ever would be.

As the main gates were opened a slight breeze wafted against Bilbo. He felt his golden curls move from the gentle touch of the wind. It made him feel a little more alive knowing something invisible could touch him still. Thorin helped him move down the mountain a ways until they reach the wooden gate that surrounded the garden that Bilbo had planted months ago for the oncoming season. Bilbo slowly let go of Thorin and limped through the rows of plants. Thorin watched as Bilbo made his way to each plant he had nursed to health. The hobbit looked serene being around something so familiar.

The sun shone down on Bilbo making his hair shine brightly. His skin was pale with small patches of purple and yellow covering various places. There were still some bruises on Bilbo’s face near his jaw line and one of his eyes. Thorin hated to see that his husband had suffered so much, but he knew that Bilbo was strong and would get through this.

Washing all of the blood off of him had been a task in itself. Thorin had been gentle, but it took hours to get Bilbo completely free of the reddish-brown stains on his legs, back, and face. Thorin had tried to hold back tears as he watched bruises surface that were hidden underneath the blood stains. He was surprised there weren’t any broken bones after he was able to see all of the bruises. He wondered if the scars lining Bilbo’s back would ever completely heal or if they would remain embedded in his skin for the rest of his life. Thorin hated to think that Bilbo would be reminded of the terror he suffered for as long as he lived.

“I never thought I would see the sun again,” Bilbo said bringing Thorin back to the garden and away from his thoughts. He stayed quiet and listened to his hobbit speak since he didn’t do so often.

“It was so dark there, no windows to let the brightness in.” Bilbo ran his hand across the leaves of a tomato plant. “All I could see was darkness.”

Bilbo stopped in the middle of the row. His gaze rested upon the sky as birds flew overhead. “And I never thought I would see you again. He told me that he had killed you.”

Thorin watched as Bilbo’s expression changed from serenity to anguish. Tears moved steadily down Bilbo’s cheeks as he felt the darkness surrounding him once more, all hope gone. He crumpled to the soft ground, choking on a sob. Thorin rushed to him and knelt down next to him.

“Bilbo, I’m here.” Thorin tentatively reached for the hobbit that had become skittish about being touched.

“He told me that no one was coming,” Bilbo sobbed. Thorin gently touched Bilbo’s back.

“Bilbo, it was all lies. You’re home safe now. I will never let anything happen to you.”

Bilbo leaned his head against Thorin’s chest, wrapping his arms around the dwarf king. Thorin wrapped his arms around Bilbo as well, soothing his sobs. He hated to see Bilbo in such pain and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. This was something Bilbo was going to have to get through himself, but Thorin would be there every step of the way.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo tells Thorin what happened to him while he was abducted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Bilbo was sitting by the fire when Thorin entered the room. The library was dark around the many shelves lining the walls. The fire seemed to only illuminate the small hobbit that stared at the dancing flames.

Thorin sat down behind Bilbo on the furs that softened the stone floor. Bilbo made no move to indicate his knowledge of Thorin’s presence. He was eerily quiet and still for a hobbit. Thorin supposed that was how they managed to go unnoticed by some when they didn’t want attention. Thorin would've guessed that the reasoning behind Bilbo hiding in the dark library with only the fire for company.

Bilbo had been spending many nights in front of the fire since his walking abilities had improved and he no longer needed assistance from the dwarf king to get around the vast halls of Erebor. Thorin wondered what the hobbit saw when he stared into the fire, for he spent hours before it without moving.

Thorin touched Bilbo’s back lightly so that Bilbo wasn’t frightened. Thorin had made the mistake of touching Bilbo unexpectedly, causing Bilbo to strike out without realizing who was there. Thorin knew that Bilbo needed time to get over the abduction and Thorin was doing his best to help his husband.

Bilbo slowly leaned back to press against Thorin’s chest. Thorin wrapped his arms around Bilbo and held him close. The hobbit’s breathing was steady and light. Thorin wondered if Bilbo wanted more, but he didn’t push the issue. He wanted the hobbit to come to him on his own when he was ready.

“How was I abducted?” Bilbo asked. Thorin hadn’t expected that question to surface. He hadn’t thought of that day since he had brought Bilbo back home. He didn’t care to remember that day, but he hadn’t suspected that Bilbo didn’t remember the events.

Thorin took a deep breath before answering. “It was late that night. You were already in bed. I was still awake tending to the fire when Fili came into the room. He told me that the mountain had been invaded by elves. I woke you and told you to stay in the bedroom.” Thorin paused for a moment.

“I went with Fili. We were ready to fight if necessary when the elves suddenly pulled back. They rushed from the mountain. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I told Fili to gather dwarves to barricade the main gates for the night. I came back to our room to find you gone. I had everyone searching for you and when no one could find you I realized what had happened. They had taken you.”

Thorin felt his breathing deepen from trying to suppress his tears. He hated to think of the day he thought he had lost Bilbo forever. Bilbo was quiet for a while before he said anything.

“How long was I in that cell?”

“Two weeks.”

Bilbo nodded. “It felt longer than that.”

“Bilbo, what happened to you in that place?” Thorin asked quietly.

Bilbo hesitated at first before answering the dwarf king. “I’m not sure what day it was when the abuse started. He whipped me for so long I felt like I was going to die from it. He had Tauriel chain me against the wall and strip me. I tried to stay quiet, but the lashes became harder and tore at my skin. I could feel the blood pooling at my feet long before he ceased.”

Thorin rubbed Bilbo’s shoulder, encouraging him to go on.

“One day things changed. He came in and had me chained up, but he didn’t whip me. He…he was inside of me, pushing and ripping. I wanted him to stop, but he wouldn’t,” Bilbo’s voice broke.

Thorin held him close as he sobbed. “It’s alright, Bilbo. You’re safe now. I will never let anything happen to you again.”

“It hurt so bad,” Bilbo cried. “I called for you, but…”

Thorin felt his own tears surfacing, but held them back. He ached knowing that Bilbo had cried out for him and couldn’t come right then. Bilbo’s sobs began to ease after a while and he finally looked at Thorin.

“When you found me I thought I had died. He had told me that you were dead and so I thought I was too and that we were finally together again.”

“We will never be separated again, my love.” Thorin kissed Bilbo’s temple and continued holding him, not wanting to let him go ever again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Bilbo made his way through the hallway that led to the throne room. Thorin had mentioned that he had a small break in between meetings that morning and the hobbit wanted to be near his husband. As Bilbo entered the room he saw that a meeting was still in progress. He quietly shut the door and sat down against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest.

It had been a while since he had been around a large group of people and the group before Thorin was extremely large; a mixture of dwarves, elves, and men from Esgaroth and Dale. Bilbo hoped that no one would notice him. He did not wish to interface with anyone other than Thorin, who was occupied at the moment.

Bilbo looked at his arms where the sleeves of his shirt left exposed. There were yellow bruises coating the skin. It had taken a lot of time for all of the scars to heal and there were still faint traces of them on his skin. The scars that marked his back were still there. Bilbo doubted that they would ever go away. He hated to think that he would have a physical reminder of the torture he had suffered, but he knew there wasn’t anything he could do about it. Every night Thorin tended to the scars and bruises that were left, but nothing helped since the scars were from the deep cuts that a leather strap had left in its wake.

Suddenly Bilbo was surrounded by people. He looked up to see several faces looking down at him. He felt panic setting in and he covered his head with his arms. He wanted out of the tiny space that he was trapped in and to be away from those circling around him.

“Thorin!” Bilbo cried. He began to shake and cry as he felt the space inclosing around him. The hobbit flailed when he felt a hand touch his shoulder. His fist connected with something and he heard someone grunt. His eyes stayed closed as he felt a sob course through him. He barely heard Thorin calling his name before he blacked out.

~

When Bilbo woke he noticed that he was lying on the floor of the throne room. His head was lying in Thorin’s lap and the dwarf was smoothing Bilbo’s hair out of his face. When Thorin noticed that Bilbo was awake he gently touched the hobbit’s face.

“How long was I out?” Bilbo asked.                                                                                

“A few minutes.”

Bilbo breathed deep and slowly sat up. He moved towards Thorin and stopped when he was about an arm’s length away.

“What were you doing?” Thorin asked.

“I came to see you. I didn’t realize there were so many people until I was in the room.” Bilbo breathed deeply once more. “I was alright until everyone crowded around me. It was like I was trapped and couldn’t get free.”

Bilbo looked at the dwarf king noticing that he lip was bruised. “What happened to your face?”

“You hit me.”

“I’m sorry,” Bilbo said looking down at the floor.

“It’s alright, my love. I know you didn’t realize it was me that was touching you.”

“Will I ever be me again?” Bilbo whispered.

“You never stopped being you, Bilbo. You’ve been through something awful and it might have affected you, but you will always be you.”

Bilbo rushed into Thorin’s arms then, resting his head against the mighty dwarf’s chest. Thorin enveloped the hobbit in his arms and held him tight.

“I feel helpless all the time,” Bilbo cried. “I want to feel right again!”

Thorin rubbed Bilbo’s back as the hobbit sobbed.

“You will in time,” Thorin whispered as he kissed the top of Bilbo’s head. “All in time, my love.”

~

Thorin lay on the floor in his chambers in front of the fire. His day had been long trying to care for Bilbo after his fainting spell in the throne room. It had taken an hour to convince Bilbo to go back to their bedroom and rest causing Thorin to have to cancel the rest of the day’s meetings. Bilbo wouldn’t let the dwarf king leave the chamber unless Bilbo could go with him.

The hobbit had refused to go to dinner so Thorin had something brought up to their room. He refused to let either one of them starve because Bilbo couldn’t handle large group settings yet. He hated seeing Bilbo feeling weak and helpless, but he wasn’t sure how to help him any further than he already had.

Thorin pondered everything that he had tried to do for Bilbo since he had been brought back to the Lonely Mountain.

_Perhaps taking him to Dale for a couple days?_ Thorin thought, but then reconsidered since the small town was crowded with unfamiliar faces. Bilbo would never make it past the first street.

_I wish that I could take him home to the Shire where he would feel safe_.

Thorin felt a small hand touch his shoulder. He opened his eyes to see Bilbo kneeling next to him.

“Are you alright? I thought you were sleeping…” Thorin reached up and caressed the hobbit’s face.

“I’m alright. I-I…” Bilbo hesitated.

“What is it, my burglar?” Thorin asked raising up on his elbows.

Bilbo nodded towards his crotch; Thorin’s eyes noticing the erection that was popping a tent underneath Bilbo’s night shirt.

“Bilbo, I don’t know about trying-“

“Please,” Bilbo interrupted. “I want to try.”

Thorin sat up slowly and bore his stare into Bilbo’s. “You need to be absolutely sure.”

“I am.” Bilbo pulled his night shirt off exposing his naked body. Thorin took in the sight and gently touched the hobbit.

Bilbo undid the laces of Thorin’s trousers and helped him out of them. Thorin waited for Bilbo to lead. He didn’t want to go too fast with the hobbit. The dwarf king wasn’t entirely sure about trying to have sex just yet. He felt that Bilbo still wasn’t ready.

Bilbo took hold of the dwarf’s wrist and brought it to his erection. Thorin gently grasped it and began to stroke slowly. Bilbo moved closer and laid small kisses on Thorin’s shoulders. The dwarf king moved his other hand to caress Bilbo’s ass when the hobbit moaned. Thorin let go of Bilbo’s length and moved behind him, pressing his chest against Bilbo’s back.

“Is this alright?” Thorin whispered against Bilbo’s ear. The hobbit nodded and placed his hands on Thorin’s hips, pulling the dwarf up against his back. Thorin placed his hands on Bilbo’s hips and pushed his erection against Bilbo’s soft cheeks. Thorin tried to remain gentle and take things slowly, but Bilbo kept moving faster and trying to be quick.

“Bilbo, calm down. We need to go slow.”

Thorin brought a finger across Bilbo’s entrance and pressed lightly against the hole. Bilbo shot away from the dwarf. Thorin looked at his husband who was a few feet from him looking frightened.

“Bilbo, I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Thorin tried. Bilbo shook his head and Thorin noticed the tears streaking the hobbit’s face.

Thorin slowly reached for his trousers and put them back on. He inched closer to Bilbo hoping that his husband wouldn’t back away from him.

“Let’s put your night shirt on, alright?” Thorin said holding out the shirt. Bilbo stayed still as the dwarf helped him put the shirt back on.

“I’m so sorry, my love.” Thorin felt his own tears escaping his eyes. He lay down on the furs once more and silently cried. He had wanted to believe that Bilbo would be alright, but maybe with Thranduil had said about Bilbo already being gone was true. Maybe he had lost his burglar forever.

~

Bilbo sat next to Thorin as the dwarf cried himself to sleep. Bilbo had never see Thorin in such a state and wondered if he was crying because of him. He waited until Thorin was fully asleep to move next to him and snuggle close. He wanted to be close to his husband and never leave his side.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Bilbo settled into the warm water that filled the bathtub. He had wanted to be comfortable when he went through with his plans. He had felt sadness coursing through him the entire day, especially after seeing Thorin cry the other night. He knew that the tears were because of him. His husband was breaking because he was not healing from the abduction and Bilbo felt horrible for putting Thorin through this.

The hobbit climbed into the tub fully clothed and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. He felt the stinging of the knife blade for a brief moment before he went numb. Red claimed his vision and he began to feel sleepy. The warmth surrounding him soothed his aches and made him close his eyes. He felt relief flooding him before darkness took over.

~

Thorin climbed the many stairs up to the level where his chambers were located. He had been working in the forge for the past two hours to work off stress and needed a bath. Sweat and grime covered him and he wanted to relax before supper. He had decided to have Bilbo try eating with the company tonight instead of hiding in their bedroom. Thorin needed the contact as well. He missed group dinners terribly and wanted to integrate Bilbo back into that routine.

When Thorin enter the room he called out for Bilbo hoping that he was awake. He thought that they could bathe together; that it might help Bilbo get used to being naked with him again. Thorin stripped his shirt from his body.

“Bilbo, are you here?” Thorin moved throughout the chambers, first checking the kitchen then the bedroom. When he got to the bathroom he saw that the door was shut. He knocked on the wooden door.

“Bilbo?”

Silence surrounded him, making the dwarf feel like something wasn’t right. Thorin knocked once more without answer. He pushed open the door to find Bilbo in the tub, bleeding from his wrists.

“Bilbo!” Thorin rushed to his husband and pulled him out of the water. There was blood everywhere and Bilbo wasn’t breathing.

“Bilbo, no!” Thorin touched the hobbit’s face. “Please wake up,” Thorin begged. He laid Bilbo on the floor and tried breathing into his mouth without success.

“Oh, Bilbo! Please don’t leave me. Please wake up,” Thorin cried. The dwarf held the hobbit in his arms, sobbing. He barely noticed when Gandalf and Kili rushed into the room.

~

Thorin sat next to the bed that Bilbo was lying in. The hobbit had been revived after Gandalf had worked some sort of healing magic. The dwarf king didn’t ask questions after the hobbit had begun breathing again.

Thorin felt drained of all his energy after seeing Bilbo bleeding out in their bathroom. He had never suspected that Bilbo would try to commit suicide. He had seemed to be healing alright and getting adjusted to everything, although it had taken some time. Thorin had never seen this coming and he felt that he should’ve seen the signs somehow.

“Thorin?” Gandalf called his name. He looked up to see the wizard who motioned for him to come into the small kitchen.

“Will he be okay?” Thorin asked.

“He should be alright. We’ll keep an eye on him for the next couple of days, but he should be waking up soon.”

“That’s good.”

“What caused this?” Gandalf asked. “I’ve never seen Bilbo in such a state.”

“Neither have I. He seemed alright this morning.” Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose. “I never saw this coming, Gandalf. Why would he do this?”

“He’s hurting. We have to let him heal on his own. There’s nothing we can do.”

Thorin wondered if Gandalf was right, but he hated to think that Bilbo was in such a place where Thorin could not help him. All he wanted was for Bilbo to be alright, to be whole once more, but it seemed that the hobbit was too far gone. He had tried to kill himself and nearly succeeded. If Thorin had not come in when he did Bilbo would’ve died…and there wouldn’t have been any chance of bringing him back. Thorin returned to the chair that was seated next to the bed and gazed at the hobbit.

He had bandages around his wrists and his face was expressionless.

_Why did you do this, Bilbo_? Thorin thought. His heart broke remembering the way Bilbo looked when he found him in that tub, blood running everywhere and his face pale. His hair had been matted to his face from the water. He looked dead and Thorin knew that the image would forever be embedded in his mind.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Waking up was painful. His body felt weak and his arms hurt. The hobbit could feel something grasping his wrists, but it was hard to figure out what it was. Bilbo felt his eyelids fluttering open to the sight of a dim room. A fire was blazing in the fireplace and he was the only one in the room. He had survived his suicide attempt.

_How_? Bilbo thought as he surveyed himself. There were bandages securing his wrists where he had made the incisions. He gently pulled the wrappings off and stared at his handy work. The scars were deep and smooth. He wondered how he had failed.

Touching the scars made him wish that it had worked that way he and Thorin would no longer suffer. He knew that Thorin was hurting and he didn’t want to be a burden anymore. He wanted Thorin to be happy and that no longer involved him being here.

The hobbit got out of bed and knelt before the fire. He stared at the glowing flames. It wasn’t fair that those flames could die and Bilbo couldn’t. He wanted to with all his might, to leave the earth so that he may find peace forever.

The memories of his abduction haunted him every day and everywhere he looked he could see that dark cell. When someone touched him he saw the Elvenking. He saw the frustration in Thorin and wanted to make it cease. Healing didn’t seem possible when everything remained fresh in his mind and all he wanted to do was forget.

Bilbo reached out towards the burning fire when Thorin came into the room.

“What are you doing?” Thorin rushed at Bilbo.

“Let go of me! I don’t want to be here!” Bilbo leaped towards the flames only to be caught by the dwarf king.

“Stop this!” Thorin yelled as Bilbo fought against him. “Stop!” Thorin shoved the hobbit away from the fireplace, his expression full of anger.

“Why do you give a damn?” Bilbo screamed across the room. “It’s not like I’m worth it.”

“I give a damn because I’m your husband,” Thorin stated, his expression hard.

“Just let me go. I know that you don’t want me here and I don’t want to be here either.”

“Yes, I do, but I’m tired of this, Bilbo. You have to let this go.”

“Let this go? How am I supposed to let this go? You let someone abduct me from our bedroom! I was raped and beaten until I couldn’t move! And I’m just supposed to get over it!”

“It’s been months, Bilbo! I’ve tried to help you as best I can, but all you do is dwell on what happened. I’m tired of seeing you mope around.” Thorin sighed audibly.

“If you had let me die then I wouldn’t be here to mope around any longer!”

Thorin stepped back from the hobbit. He hadn’t expected Bilbo to say such a thing. It felt like someone had thrown bricks at him repeatedly.

“You think it’s so easy to go back to normal. Just because you bounced back so quickly after losing everything doesn’t mean everyone can, Thorin! I’m broken and I don’t how to fix me! I tried to end all of it in that retched cell, but the elves denied me then too. I don’t know how to go on without feeling dirty and hurt! I’m dying inside!” Bilbo’s voice cracked.

Thorin bore his stare into Bilbo’s. “I didn’t bounce back quickly, Bilbo. I suffered for years after losing so many people that I cared for, but I knew that moving on was the only way I was going to heal. So that’s what I did.” Thorin took a deep breath. “I almost lost you a couple days ago. Do you realize how that would’ve affected me? Do you know that a part of me would’ve died with you?”

“No it wouldn’t have. You would’ve been overjoyed for me to be gone. At least then you could’ve had sex with someone that could stand for you to touch them and you could’ve lived a care free life without having to worry about your suicidal husband.”

“I thought I had lost you forever when I found you unconscious in our bathroom. There was so much blood and I tried to stop it and give you air, but nothing worked. I held you in my arms sobbing, willing you to come back to me. When Gandalf was able to save you was when I started breathing again. I’m still hurting from this, Bilbo. What you did affected me too…more than you will ever know.”

Thorin turned to walk out of the room.

“You expect me to believe you?” Bilbo asked.

“I don’t care anymore, Bilbo. Believe what you will. I’m done. I love you and I want you here with me, but if you’re determined to die then there’s no stopping you. I can’t be here every moment to stop you and I won’t watch you do it. Your life means so much to me. I don’t understand how it can mean so little to you.” Thorin left the room, resignation deep in his heart. He didn’t want Bilbo to leave him, but it seemed that the hobbit was determined to do so.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Bilbo sat on the floor of the bathroom where he had tried to die a week before. The floor was cold and hard, the floor stained with his blood. He was surprised that it hadn’t been cleaned up so that everyone could pretend that it never happened. The tub that was once white was also stained a rust color. Bilbo traced the scars on his wrists. They had healed leaving a pink line as a reminder of what he had wanted in those moments of disparity. His life had meant little to him then and he wondered how things would’ve been if he had succeeded.

Watching Thorin’s anger seethe and thrive the other night had opened his eyes to his husband’s pain. The dwarf king had been suppressing the stress about Bilbo’s healing for a while now and it finally all came out. The hobbit had not expected Thorin to tell him to die, but it seemed that the king was resigned to the idea since Bilbo was so adamant about leaving the earth.

But as Bilbo gazed at the dried blood in the bathroom he wondered why he had felt so desperate to end everything. He thought that he had lost the ability to heal from the pain and suffering of the abduction, but he had been healing in his own way. Thorin had helped him with so many things like being around people again, being touched slightly, and even coming close to having sex once more, but somehow Bilbo had declined in the healing process causing his suicide attempt.

Seeing Thorin’s reaction to the attempt the other night opened Bilbo’s eyes even more. The way Thorin had looked when speaking to Bilbo had broken his heart. He thought that dying would have made Thorin feel relieved and happy to no longer have to worry about him, but Bilbo had been wrong. Thorin looked torn and hopeless, begging Bilbo to understand what he had done affected the dwarf just as much.

_“Do you know that a part of me would’ve died with you?”_ Bilbo heard Thorin’s words sound in his mind over and over. There was truth in those words and Bilbo was starting to understand. The hobbit tentatively touched the stains on the floor before him.

_These must have been made after Thorin pulled me out of the bathtub._

_“There was so much blood and I tried to stop it and give you air, but nothing worked. I held you in my arms sobbing, willing you to come back to me.”_ Bilbo felt his eyes watering as he thought about Thorin crying out for him to live once more. Bilbo had never expected for his husband to feel such remorse and he never wanted Thorin to feel that way again.

~

Thorin sat down at the table with the company surrounding him. Mounds of food covered the tabletop and Thorin felt his stomach rumble. He piled his plate full of delicious morsels and began to eat. It had been so long since he had ate with the company and he found solace in being with the dwarves.

They all were aware of Bilbo’s suicide attempt, but none brought up the hobbit for Thorin’s sake. They all knew that he was hurting, his heart physically aching, and bringing up Bilbo would’ve hurt even more at that moment. Thorin only wanted to have a few moments of peace without having to think about everything that had happened in the past few months with him and Bilbo.

He listened to the dwarves talk and took notice of their merriment, but only listened to the conversations selectively. Hard as he tried Bilbo stayed nestled in his mind. He wanted the hobbit next to him, enjoying supper as he was trying too. Thorin also noticed that there were two dwarves that seemed as distraught as he felt sitting at the table with him: Fili and Kili. The two of them kept sending glances towards the dwarf king and he knew what they were thinking.

_Why did Bilbo do this?_ Thorin wished that he had an answer and he hated to see his nephews hurting as well. They were very fond of Bilbo and it tore them apart just as much as it did Thorin.

He looked at Fili then Kili before seeing that the younger dwarf’s eyes were puffy. Thorin ceased eating and stood, walking over to his young nephew and kneeling before him. Kili sniffled and Thorin noticed that the dwarf’s bottom lip was trembling.

“My dear Kili,” Thorin touched the dwarf’s cheek, wiping a stray tear from his face. Kili embraced Thorin hard, his body shaking.

“It’s alright, Kili,” Thorin soothed, rubbing his nephew’s back.

“He cannot leave us, Uncle,” Kili cried. “He cannot.”

Thorin heard silence come over the room as he tried to console Kili. He knew that his nephews were hurting and he hated to see them suffering along with him. Bilbo was their family too and they loved him as much as Thorin did. The dwarf king held his nephew tight as many of the dwarves began to join them on the floor, embracing one another. They were all together in a giant hug when they heard someone enter the room. Thorin felt them shifting and a couple stood to gaze at whoever was at the door. Thorin felt a hand squeeze his shoulder.

“Thorin,” Fili whispered. The dwarf king looked up to see Bilbo coming towards him. The hobbit’s eyes were red and his face was damp from tears. He came into the circle that the company had made on the floor, kneeling down in front of Thorin. Thorin still held Kili as Bilbo got closer.

“I’m sorry, Thorin.” Bilbo touched the dwarf king’s cheek. “I never wanted to hurt you. I thought that what I was doing would make the hurt stop, but I see now that it only made it worse.” Bilbo looked at Kili who was softly crying against Thorin’s chest.

“Kili,” Bilbo tentatively stroked the dwarf’s hair. Kili’s gaze was that of a child’s as he slowly let go of Thorin and reached for Bilbo. The hobbit embraced his husband’s nephew.

“Please don’t leave us, Bilbo.”

“I’m not going anywhere, my dear Kili.” Bilbo kissed the top of Kili’s head and rubbed his back. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Thorin watched as Bilbo held his other arm out towards Fili and held them both as he made amends with the two dwarves. The company had rejoined the circle and it was tight around the four of them. Bilbo looked at Thorin for a while before reaching to touch his face. At the touch Thorin leaned in to kiss Bilbo, feeling tears streaking his face. He thought he had lost Bilbo forever, but he hadn’t. Bilbo was right there with him and he never wanted it any other way.


	13. Kili's Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Kili's perspective on Bilbo's suicide attempt in previous chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured that a different perspective might be a good addition to this fic. This chapter is Kili's perspective on Bilbo's suicide attempt and ranges from the first couple of days after he found Bilbo dying in Thorin's arms. It's short, but gives insight into why Kili was so upset in Chapter 12. 
> 
> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Kili sat on the floor of his shared bedroom unable to stop his tears from cascading down his face. Finding his uncle holding Bilbo on the floor of their bathroom had broken something inside of the young dwarf. Bilbo had been limp in Thorin’s arms and his uncle was screaming the hobbit’s name.

Kili had helped Gandalf in reviving Bilbo, but afterwards he had left, taking refuge in his room. He had come in barely containing a sob when Fili had asked him what was wrong. Kili broke, collapsing into Fili’s arms sobbing.

Fili had tried to soothe his brother, but nothing worked and it had taken time to get Kili to explain his distress.

“Bilbo…he…he tried to kill himself.”

“What?” Fili was shocked at his brother’s admission, unsure of hearing him correctly.

Kili sobbed harder and clung to his older brother. “I found Thorin holding him in the bathroom. There was so much blood.” Kili began to shake. Fili did his best to calm the younger dwarf, but it took hours. When Kili had used up all of his energy crying sleep finally claimed him.

As he sat on the floor now he wondered why Bilbo had done what he had. Didn’t he understand that everyone loved him?

_How could he hurt Thorin like that?_ Kili held his head in his hands. _How could he hurt me and Fili like this?_

Kili silently cried until it became hard to breathe. He couldn’t imagine the hobbit dying. Bilbo had been good for Thorin along with him and Fili. The two of them adored Bilbo and the effect he had on everyone around him. He had been so cheerful and loving. On many occasions Bilbo had included Fili and Kili in his daily activities: cooking, gardening, long walks outside of the mountain. He had fussed over the two of them when they got dirty or when they needed to be cared for. Bilbo had acted like a mother to them on many occasions, often caring for them when they were sick or needed someone to confide in. Kili knew that the abduction had changed Bilbo, but he had witnessed the healing process. He had thought for sure that Bilbo would be able to recover.

The suicide came as a shock and Kili wasn’t sure how to handle it. They way Bilbo had looked was stuck in his mind and he wanted the image gone. He didn’t want to remember Bilbo that way; pale, bleeding out, and lifeless in his uncle’s arms.

“Kili?” Fili knelt before him gently touching the dwarf’s knee. “Are you alright?”

Kili shook his head feeling more tears rising. He didn’t want Bilbo to be gone forever. He couldn’t imagine it. Didn’t want too.

“Why did he do this, Fili?” Kili sniffled wiping at his nose with his sleeve. “Why?”

“I don’t know, Brother.” Fili gazed at the younger dwarf before him. He had never seen Kili so upset.

“I don’t want him to go,” Kili cried.

“I know. I don’t want him to either,” Fili said pulling Kili into an embrace. “But, we have no control over this. We have to let things play out on their own.”

“I can’t,” Kili whispered against his brother’s chest.

“I know it’s hard, Kili, but we’re going to get through this.” Fili held his brother as he cried more tears.

~

Kili knelt next to the bed that Bilbo was lying in, unconscious. It had been two days after the suicide attempt and Kili had waited all day for Thorin to leave the room. He was alone with the hobbit and needed it to be that way.

Bilbo looked expressionless as he rested. Kili wished that he would wake up so that he could be reassured that Bilbo would live, but no reassurance came. Kili gently took hold of Bilbo’s hand and smoothed his thumb over the back. Kili breathed deep before he spoke.

“Bilbo, I-I…please wake up.” Another deep breath. “We all love you and need you here. We haven’t been a family in so long and I don’t want us to break anymore. You brought us together again and helped us stay that way.”

A sob escaped Kili’s throat and he took a moment to try and continue without his voice breaking.

“I know you love Uncle Thorin and he loves you as well. Me and Fili love you too. We need you more than you know.” The dwarf felt his face wet with tears, but pushed through them. “Please, Bilbo, please stay with us a little longer. I’m not ready for you to go.”

Kili broke completely then bracing his head against Bilbo’s hand that he was holding. He cried for a long while next to Bilbo’s bed. He was afraid that the hobbit would never wake again and he desperately hoped that his fears were wrong. He had lost many people and he was tired of it. He wanted to keep his family together and Bilbo was the glue to them. Without the glue they would become distant once more.

When Kili stood to leave the room he saw Thorin in the doorframe. His uncle looked aged and hollow. His eyes were tired from crying and his voice hoarse from the screaming he had done the day before. He moved slowly, indicating that he hadn’t rested any. He was holding on until Bilbo woke up and Kili understood his worry in a way. If he could stay with the hobbit he would.

“Get some rest, Kili,” Thorin said, gently touching his shoulder.

“I can’t sleep. I lay awake with worry in my heart.” Kili looked at his boots afraid of his uncle seeing his tear streaked face. There was silence for a moment before Kili spoke.

“Why did he do this? Doesn’t he know we love him?” Kili’s voice broke quietly. Thorin pulled his nephew into his arms.

“This was not because of you, Kili.”

“Then why would he choose this? Were we not enough? Did we mean nothing?” Kili sobbed, his tears absorbed by Thorin’s tunic.

“I wish I had the answers, my dear Kili. All I know is that Bilbo is hurting in a way that we cannot understand completely.”

“I’m scared, Thorin.”

The dwarf king smoothed Kili’s hair. “So am I, Kili.”

“I’m tired of being scared.”

“It’s alright to be scared sometimes and it’s alright to hurt. That’s what life is sometimes: hurtful and scary, especially when we come close to losing someone we love. We’ll get through this. I promise.”

Thorin walked Kili back to his bedroom and made sure that he was alright to sleep before going back to Bilbo. The young dwarf snuggled under the blankets that littered his bed hoping that something good would come of all the hurt he was feeling. He hoped that his family would not lose the glue that held them together and that the glue would come back as strong as ever.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter is kinda late, but nevertheless it is here. Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Thorin asked as he stood behind Bilbo. The hobbit was packing some of his clothes and other things that he would need once he was back in the Shire. He had made the decision to return home, although it had been hard to commit to the decision. He didn’t want to leave his home in Erebor, but he knew that leaving for a while was the answer.

“I’m sure,” Bilbo breathed. “This is how it has to be for a while.”

“Let me come with you,” Thorin said gently touching the hobbit’s shoulder.

“I have to do this myself, Thorin. I need to learn to love and take care of myself for now.” Bilbo turned to face the dwarf king.

“When will you come back?” Thorin touched his husband’s cheek, gently stroking it with his thumb.

“When I feel it’s time.” Bilbo kissed Thorin softly.

~

Letting Bilbo leave was the hardest thing that Thorin had ever done. The hobbit had talked it over with him when the idea came to him, but Thorin had never imagined that Bilbo would go through with it. The dwarf king had thought that Bilbo would be able to fully recover in the Lonely Mountain, but maybe he had a point. Returning to the Shire would be good for him, but Thorin didn’t like that it would mean going a few years without seeing Bilbo. Of course they would write to one another, but Thorin needed physical contact and so did his nephews. He worried that Fili and Kili would mope around the halls of Erebor until Bilbo returned for good, if he decided to come back.

The hobbit had left that morning with Gandalf at his side and Thorin had to resist the urge to run after him. Bilbo had gave him a small smile before entering the forest. Thorin felt a hollowness take over his heart. He knew that things were going to change with Bilbo gone. He only hoped that the changes didn’t cause too much grief amongst the company and his nephews. He wouldn’t be able to handle all of his grief along with theirs as well.

~

The day had progressed slowly and Thorin was relieved when he was able to rest in the privacy of his chambers. He had walked about the mountain in a trance after Bilbo had left and he knew that the passing time would go slowly for a while.

As he lay in his bed he thought of Bilbo’s last night in Erebor. The hobbit had insisted on being intimate once more before he left for Bag-End. Thorin had been gentle and took things slow so that Bilbo would feel comfortable.

Bilbo had let Thorin undress him, although he had only been wearing a night shirt. The dwarf king had allowed Bilbo to set the pace after relieving the dwarf of his clothing as well. Thorin had kissed all over Bilbo’s body, leaving trails over his delicate skin.

The hobbit’s moans were soft and hushed as Thorin had positioned himself between Bilbo’s legs, gently pressing his shaft against Bilbo’s entrance.

“Are you certain?” Thorin had asked before he pushed inside. Bilbo nodded, but Thorin pushed the question.

“I need you to tell me, Bilbo. Tell me this is okay.”

“I’m okay. I’m certain that this is what I want.” Bilbo traced his fingers down Thorin’s back, slightly grazing his nails across his waist. Bilbo shifted his hips urging Thorin to continue.

As the dwarf king entered his husband a gasp escaped his throat and he had to bite down on his lip at the tightness that surrounded his length. It had been so long since he and Bilbo had been able to have this connection and he didn’t want it to end. Thorin looked into Bilbo’s eyes and felt tears surfacing.

Bilbo’s expression was concerned as Thorin shut his eyes and looked to the side.

“What is it, Thorin? What’s wrong?” Bilbo wiped away a stray tear that was moving across the dwarf’s cheek.

“Please don’t go,” Thorin whispered.

“I have to,” Bilbo said.

Thorin shook his head. “I don’t know if I can take you leaving.”

Bilbo raised up on his forearms. “I’m not going away forever. I’m going to come back to you.” The hobbit kissed his husband. “Thorin, I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me too, which is why I want to do this before I leave. I want to take a part of you with me. I want to make a good memory that’s fresh, a memory that will help me heal faster so that I can come back to you as soon as I can.”

“Bilbo-“

“I love you,” Bilbo whispered as he lifted his hips causing Thorin to go deeper inside of him. The dwarf king groaned and looked at his hobbit.

“Make love to me,” Bilbo moaned softly and shifted his hips again. The sensation that went through Thorin was electrifying and he didn’t want it to stop. He began a steady rhythm, thrusting into Bilbo deep. The hobbit urged Thorin more and more as he gripped the dwarf’s ass and lifted his legs a little more causing them to spread somewhat. Thorin felt his release spill into Bilbo, ecstasy crashing over him causing him to cry out. Bilbo kissed Thorin’s lips as his body shook from the orgasm.

“Bilbo,” Thorin whispered. The hobbit tucked strands of hair behind Thorin’s ear and smiled up at him.

“What is it, my love?”

“You didn’t…” Thorin nodded towards Bilbo’s erection.

“It’s alright.”

Thorin shook his head, pulling out of Bilbo and kneeling between his legs. The dwarf king slowly took Bilbo’s prick into his mouth and began to suck. The length was rigid in Thorin’s mouth and he knew that it wouldn’t take long for Bilbo to orgasm. Thorin sucked on the shaft taking it deep in his throat, moving his tongue over it. The friction of Thorin’s mouth caused Bilbo to cry out loudly. The hobbit had laced his hands into the dwarf king’s thick locks and held his head in place. Bilbo felt Thorin’s lips touch the hilt when he spilled into the dwarf’s mouth.

When Thorin finally came away from Bilbo’s length he smiled at his husband. The two kissed and talked for a while about Bilbo’s trip the next day. They agreed that Bilbo would write to Thorin to let him know that he had arrived in the Shire safely. Thorin still didn’t want Bilbo to leave, but he had no choice but to let his husband go for a while.


	15. Chapter 15

Bilbo looked up at the stars as he thought about the journey he was making to the Shire. It had been years since he had seen his hobbit-hole, but he still felt a deep desire to be near the things that were familiar to him. Deep down he knew that leaving Erebor was the best decision, but he hated to leave all of his companions behind. It would be years before he saw them again and that was the hardest thing for Bilbo to cope with. He knew that he would miss everyone uncontrollably.

As he lay in the camp that he and Gandalf had made for the night he thought about all of things that had happened to him over the past year. The abduction. The suicide attempt. The heartache that had consumed him when he felt himself withering away while everyone else recovered quickly. There had been so much pain inside of him that he was surprised his attempts at demise had failed.

_I can still recall all of the terrible things that Thranduil did to me in that cell, but now it’s seems as if it’s a bad memory. I still have the scars across my back, and I cannot see them, but I feel them every day. I can still feel the skin breaking when leather breeched my body and I remember feeling all of the blood trailing down my legs._

_The world seems better now that I have realized that I can get better. This journey has given me a sense of purpose and I hope that it will guide me further than I hope for. Yes, I miss Erebor, but I miss myself as well. I know that this is what I have to do to find myself again. I hope that I don’t stay too lost for long because being a hobbit is what I do best…and how can I be a hobbit if I’m lost and weary?_

~

The days passed by quickly going back to the Shire. Bilbo hardly noticed all of the rainy days and dreary silence that persisted. Gandalf stayed silent for most of the journey unless Bilbo asked a question or he told Bilbo to collect wood for the fires that they built. Before long, Bilbo and Gandalf were in Rivendell. The hobbit was happy to see the serene place where the elves dwelled. They were always so peaceful there and Bilbo was fond of Elrond. He did have his concerns though. He had not been around elves since his abduction and he hoped that nothing set him off.

Upon entering through the gate, there were many elves eyeing the two. Many knew of Gandalf, but Bilbo figured he would not be as memorable. He was wrong. Elrond was very familiar with him. There were also two others that knew him: Legolas and Tauriel. The two had been a part of his abduction and he would never forget their faces or what they did for him.

Bilbo was led into a small sitting room by Elrond and made himself comfortable in one of the chairs. The elf sat across from him and gazed at the hobbit. Bilbo cleared his throat when the silence became too much for him.

“You look well,” Elrond stated. “Much better than the state you were in over a year ago.”

“How did you know about that?” Bilbo asked. He had been under the assumption that only the dwarves and Gandalf had knew about his condition.

“Word travels fast amongst elves, especially when an elf with Thranduil’s standing is killed.”

Bilbo looked at Elrond, flabbergasted. He had not expected to have this conversation during his stay in Rivendale.

“I know what happened, Bilbo. So do not feel that you are under any scrutiny. I assure you, you are not. What you endured was very hard and I’m surprised that you faired so well after everything that you went through. Thranduil deserved his fate.”

“I didn’t fare well.”

“What do you mean?” Elrond looked at Bilbo curiously. “Your body has healed and you are of sound mind…”

“I suffered long after the physical wounds healed. I feared having anyone touch me, even Thorin.” Bilbo’s voice rose to match his anger. “It took me so long to be able to have my own husband touch me. I felt damaged and dirty. I tried to kill myself!”

Elrond kept his gaze steady and his expression neutral. He had not expected Bilbo to react so rashly to the subject.

“I’m aware of what happened, especially with your suicide attempt. Thorin spoke to me on many occasions about your healing. He came to me after the attempt in tears. I saw his suffering first-hand, Bilbo. I am glad that both of you are healing and I support your decision to go back to the Shire. It will be good for both of you. A growing experience, if you will.”

Bilbo sat quietly. He had not expected Elrond to reveal something that the hobbit had been unaware of. He was surprised that Thorin had revealed such details to an elf. He had a hard time trusting people enough as it is, but trusting Elrond? Why?

“There’s no need to ask that question now,” Elrond said, standing. “Rest for now and we can talk later.”

Bilbo sat stunned as Elrond left the room. He wanted to know why Thorin had come to Elrond, but apparently he would have to wait to find out.


	16. Chapter 16

Bilbo lay on the bed that had been provided for him by Elrond. The elf had insisted on Bilbo and Gandalf being comfortable beyond reason. Bilbo supposed that the elf was attempting to apologize for upsetting him earlier. The room was dark, only moon light shining in upon the smooth floor. It was warm and quiet; the perfect environment to allow Bilbo to think. Thorin was constantly on his mind. The hobbit felt as if he was losing his memory of the stubborn dwarf. He wished that he could remember the way Thorin smelled after working in the forge all day, as he often did to relieve stress. Bilbo wanted to run his hands over the dwarf king’s smooth shoulders, tracing the contours of his muscles. Bilbo had always thought Thorin looked sexy working in the forge getting sweaty.

But Bilbo’s thoughts were clouded when he remember that Thorin had told Elrond their personal problems. The hobbit had been shocked to learn that his husband had turned to someone else in his time of need instead of coming to Bilbo. Granted, Bilbo knew that he had made things difficult when he had thought there was no hope of healing, but he still felt wounded by this.

He rose from the bed and walked out into the hallway. He moved through the many twists and turns until he reached a wide balcony where a gazebo sat. Bilbo made his way towards it, intent on spending time in it to think and reflect. He wasn’t sure if the reason his heart ached was justified or not.

~

Bilbo had been sitting in the gazebo for a while when Elrond appeared before him. Bilbo nodded to him silently as the elf took a seat opposite of the hobbit. Elrond had a neutral expression on his face, which seemed to be the only expression he knew how to show around Bilbo. The hobbit had been around the elf enough to know that he was peace maker. Perhaps that’s why he never showed emotions that could be associated with a side.

“I assume that you have been out here for a time now,” Elrond stated. Bilbo nodded remaining silent. “I know that leaving you with questions earlier was not the best option, but I didn’t think that you were ready to hear what was needed to be said.”

“And what was needed to be said?”

“I know you question Thorin’s motives for confiding in me about your marital problems…”

“Are you going to tell me why he trusted you? You and I both know that Thorin is not fond of elves.” Bilbo arched a brow.

“Yes, I am aware of his feelings towards elves, especially after what Thranduil did to you. I can imagine his anger and frustration.”

“What did Thorin tell you?” Bilbo asked irritated. He was beginning to feel as though Elrond was toying with him.

Elrond sighed. “He told me of your suffering. He felt responsible for your abduction. If he had not left you alone they would not have taken you from the Lonely Mountain. He was scared to touch the scars that line your back when he first saw them.”

“What?”

“He said that he was afraid that your pain would increase beyond comprehension and he was also afraid that you would blame him for the scars.”

“He wasn’t the one who whipped me with a leather strap.”

“He knows that, but he felt responsible, Bilbo. His negligence caused you to get hurt.”

Bilbo looked at Elrond, his eyes narrowing. “No it didn’t. I was abducted and that’s that. Thorin thought he was doing what he thought was in my best interest. I don’t blame him.”

“But you did at one time…” Elrond said boring his gaze into Bilbo’s. “You even expressed it to him.”

“I was hurting and needed someone to blame. I was wrong for that and I know it.”

“Why did you attempt suicide?”

“You already know the answer.” Bilbo stood to leave. He had heard enough and didn’t want to think about all of the pain that was resurfacing.

“The pain is a part of the recovery, Master Baggins.” Bilbo stopped walking at Elrond’s words. “If you deny the pain then you cannot heal. You have to let the bridges burn before you move on. Thorin was trying to help you do so before you decided life was not worth living anymore.”

“I know. I realized it after I had more scars to live with.”

“Why are you going to the Shire, Bilbo? What are you true motives?”

Bilbo looked at his feet. “I have to learn to love myself again before I can love anyone else right now.”

“Do not lie to me. I am not susceptible to your attempts. Your true motives.”

Bilbo sighed. “I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I’m not healing the way everyone thinks I should be and I need to go somewhere where no one will get hurt by me.”

“Are your intentions fatal?”

“I don’t know. There are days when I feel that I can make it; that I can keep going, and then there are days when I feel like dying. The later more often.”

“Are you going to attempt again?”

“I hope not.” Bilbo felt his lip quiver as he spoke, recalling the first attempt at taking his life. He knew how it hurt everyone around him and he didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s pain. “I want to get better.”

Bilbo felt Elrond gently touch his shoulder. “You will, Master Baggins. You will.”

Bilbo released a deep breath, shuddering at the emotion that was consuming him. No one had made him confront all of the pain until now and he felt grateful for it. Perhaps Elrond was right about experiencing the pain before moving past it. Bilbo decided that he needed to embrace everything, which meant going back to Erebor. He just didn’t know when he would make that journey.


	17. Chapter 17

It felt as though ages had passed since Bilbo had left the Lonely Mountain. Thorin had felt a painful loneliness course through him as the days continued on. He had not heard from Bilbo at all and he couldn’t help but worry about his hobbit. He thought about trying to write to him, but he wasn’t sure where he was. Bilbo could be anywhere in Middle Earth and Thorin worried frequently about Bilbo’s safety.

The halls of Erebor appeared dim and lifeless to the dwarf king as he made his way to the dining hall to eat supper with the company. There were nights when Thorin would eat alone because his ache for Bilbo was too strong to bear in front of others. He found himself in tears many times when something reminded him of the Halfling. Thorin hated the arrangement that had been made and every moment without Bilbo made life seem less appealing to the dwarf king. Thorin kept moving forward to keep Fili and Kili happy though. He knew that they were suffering as well and he hated to see them depressed. The two had ceased much of their foolishness and began moping around the vast halls without any kind of purpose.

Thorin entered the hall, the smells of food wafting up from the table. The company had already begun, but it didn’t bother the King under the Mountain any. He preferred that the others do as they pleased since he was in no mood to stand on ceremony. He didn’t feel like a king; more like a dead rodent that had been ripped to shreds.

As he began eating he noticed the Fili and Kili were fussing about something quietly. Their argument had been disguised by the chatter of everyone else and Thorin felt his mood souring quickly. The two dwarves continued to debate quietly before Kili shoved his brother.

“Enough!” Thorin yelled standing as he slammed his fist on the table top. All noise ceased and all eyes were on the dwarf king.

“Fili. Kili. Outside now.” Thorin pushed himself from the table and waited outside the door. He was going to set his nephews straight.

“What is wrong with you two?” Thorin yelled. “Every time I see the both of you, you’re fighting about something and I’m tired of it.”

“It’s nothing, Uncle.” Fili said. “Just childish bickering.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Thorin warned. The two were silent momentarily. Thorin noticed Kili clenching his fists. “Kili?”

“What?!”

Thorin gave his nephew a look. “Know your place, nephew.”

“Know _my_ place?! Know yours! It’s your fault that Fili and I are always fighting!”

“Kili, don’t.” Fili tried touching his brother’s shoulder only to be shrugged off.

“It's your fault Bilbo left us and he’s not coming back!”

Thorin’s anger softened. He tried to reach out for his nephew. “Yes he is, Kili.”

“No he not!” Kili began sobbing. Thorin came closer, even though Kili tried pushing him away.

“He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back,” Kili cried, collapsing into Thorin’s embrace. “Why did he leave us, Thorin? Why did he leave us?”

Thorin held his youngest nephew as he sobbed against his chest. He tried to comfort Kili, but nothing really worked. “Kili, Bilbo is going to come back. I promise. He had to go for a while, but he hasn’t abandoned us. He hasn’t abandoned you, my dearest Kili.”

Thorin spoke to Fili and told him to go back to supper. Thorin carried Kili to his chambers and stayed with him until the young dwarf fell asleep. He didn’t know what else he could possibly do to relieve Kili from hurting. He could only hope that Bilbo would come back to them soon.


	18. Chapter 18

Fili was sitting in Balin’s office when the letter came. He had taken up working with Balin and Thorin so that he could get used to some of the kingly duties that he might have use for later on. Plus, it took his mind off all of the drama that kept coming his way. He was constantly fighting with Kili and seeing his uncle hurting. He couldn’t even imagine having a relationship after seeing what Bilbo and Thorin have endured. Bilbo left as a result. Fili hoped that Thorin was right about the hobbit returning to the mountain, but he knew it would be years before that happened. Fili resigned himself to focusing on what he needed to do in Erebor instead of fretting about Bilbo. If the hobbit needed to return to the Shire then that’s what is best for now. Fili hated the effect that it was having on everyone around him though.

Balin came into the office. He stopped in front of the desk looking sorrowful. He held out the letter.

“This came for you this morning.”

Fili took the letter and saw his name scrawled on the front. He looked at Balin confused. “Who is it from?”

“Bilbo.” Balin turned and left the office, knowing that the young dwarf would need some privacy.

Fili opened the letter and began reading Bilbo’s familiar handwriting.

_Fili,_

_I know you’re probably wondering why I addressed this letter to you and the only answer I can give is this: I know that it would hurt Thorin and Kili further. You are strong and dealing with my departure much easier than those two. I hate to think that you have to be the brave one when you deserve some time to grieve as well. I’m not forbidding you to share the contents of this letter. It will be of your own choice._

_I still have every intention in returning to Erebor, but my trip to the Shire will still take place. I have been informed of some useful things during my stay in Rivendell. Elrond helped me realize what I need to do to heal and return to you in the mountain, but my return will be hard for all of us. I will not be completely healed when I return because I must re-experience all of my pain so that I may move past it. There is so much pain in Erebor surrounding myself, Thorin, and you and Kili. I don’t want to make things worse when I come back. I just wanted to let you know what to expect when I return, which may be faster than expected since this new discovery of mine._

_You three mean everything to me and I miss you all deeply. There are nights when I wish that I had not left, but then some nights I know that it was for the best. I feel a constant ache in my soul being so far from our home. There is a second page enclosed in this letter, which is for Thorin. Fili I know you’re mischievous and will read it, but I warn you it is extremely personal and you may not want to read it. I hope you are taking care of yourself and Kili as best as you can._

_Sincerely,_

_Bilbo_

Fili stopped reading the first page. He felt confused and unsure of what to do with the letter. He knew that he should tell Thorin about it, but he worried that it would do more harm than good. The second page was addressed to Thorin as Bilbo had explained in the previous page and he knew Fili well. He had every intention to read it, but he needed a moment before continuing. He had wished that Bilbo had been more specific about his return. He began reading the second page before his questioning thoughts drove him mad.

_My Dearest Thorin,_

_I miss you deeply and ache for you every moment that I am away. I want to return to you badly, but something keeps me from running back to our home. I am in Rivendell for now taking refuge in the elven halls. Elrond told me that you came to him when we were suffering great pain and at first I was furious, but Elrond helped me understand what I must do to heal and I will do what he suggested._

_I know that this has been hard for you as well and I hate that I have caused that hardship. I would ask about Kili and Fili, but I’m sure that I can guess both of their conditions: Kili is a mess and Fili is trying to be strong for everyone. Thorin, please take care of them. Kili needs to be nurtured and Fili doesn’t need that kind of responsibility right now. Please tell him that it is alright to break a little bit every once in a while. He needs you now more than ever, my love. Both of them do._

_Promise me that you will also take care of yourself. I know you’re hurting and long for me to be there with you. The same ache fills my heart constantly. I will return to you soon._

_With All My Love,_

_Bilbo_

Fili ran through the halls of Erebor yelling for his uncle. He could feel himself breaking and he didn’t want to, but his emotions were taking over and he needed someone to be strong for him. He found Thorin in a hallway speaking with some of the company.

“Thorin!” Fili ran to the dwarf king, tears coating his face.

“Fili, what is it? Is everything alright?”

Fili held out the letters, which Thorin gently took from him. “What’s this?”

“Bilbo wrote to us.”

“What?” Thorin asked as he looked at the letters. The dwarf king was quiet for a few minutes, reading over what Bilbo had sent. When he was finished he looked at Fili, who was crying steadily. Thorin embraced his nephew hard.

“I miss him,” Fili cried.

“I know, Fili. I do too.” Thorin stroked his nephew’s hair as the young dwarf let out months of tears that had built up. After a while, Thorin convinced Fili to go with him into his office so that they could have some privacy. Fili stayed with Thorin for hours, feeling safe with the mighty dwarf.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm extremely sorry that this chapter is so late. But nevertheless it is finally here. Enjoy!

The sun was shining brightly when Bilbo and Gandalf reached the Shire. Hobbits were visible at every turn, enjoying the day and visiting with others. Many spotted Bilbo as he made his way to his own hobbit-hole. He wasn’t sure about greeting people yet, especially since he wasn’t sure how long he would be staying. He didn’t want people to get the impression that he was back for good. As he and Gandalf made their way along the pathway, Bilbo came across a familiar place: his home. He saw it come into view as they descended a hill. Bilbo hastened his pace wanting to get home as quickly as possible. He had missed the place where he had grown up. The place that would always be a part of him.

Upon entering through the door, Bilbo laid his eyes upon all of the possessions that had been left behind years ago. He had charged his closest relatives with the upkeep of his long-forgotten home. He noticed that there was dust upon the shelves where his books rested and on the mantle over the fireplace. Bilbo barely cared for the dust that cluttered his things. What caught him was the feeling that had consumed him. He felt sorrowful, as if being in his home made him realize that he had been lonely all those years before meeting Thorin and the company. That day the dwarves had entered his home and ate him out of house and home had been that start of a new life with a family of his own. Bilbo stood in the foyer looking around. He remembered those first moments with the dwarves: the unexpected company making themselves at home, eating his food and carrying on happily while Bilbo fretted about the condition of his house. A smiled formed on his face as he thought about Thorin looking him over upon first meeting him. The dwarf king had given Bilbo a skeptical smile while he made a comment about his ability as a burglar. Thorin had Bilbo right from the beginning and he now realized how much he had forgotten after the events of the past year.

Bilbo heard Gandalf shuffling around and decided that he needed to begin fixing up the place so that it would be comfortable for the two of them. He didn’t know how long Gandalf planned on staying, but he didn’t worry himself with asking. It mattered not.

The hobbit began fixing up the rooms so that they would have a place to sleep before he dove into dusting everything he could get his hands on. He would’ve dusted Gandalf if the wizard had allowed it. The busy work kept Bilbo’s mind from wandering too much. He focused on the tasks in front of him and long before he noticed it was time for supper. He realized very quickly that he didn’t have any food to prepare for them to eat. Bilbo sighed. There was nothing he could do, but tell Gandalf the news of how they would go without food for the night since the markets were already closed.

As Bilbo began to make his way into the living room, a knock sounded. He walked to the door and opened it slightly. He looked out to see a young hobbit smiling at him.

“Hi, Uncle Bilbo.”

Bilbo gazed at the young lad, finally taking notice of who he was. “Frodo.”

The hobbit smiled. “There for a moment, I didn’t think you recognized me.”

“You’ve grown since last we met. Come in.” Bilbo stepped back to allow Frodo entrance.

~

Bilbo sat across the table from his nephew, who he hadn’t seen since before his marriage to Thorin. The young hobbit had been in attendance for the ceremony that had been held in the Shire. Bilbo had not expected to see him on this trip though.

“How have you been?” Bilbo asked.

“Very well. I run amuck in the fields and roam the hills of the Shire,” Frodo laughed. “I’m curious about you, Bilbo. I haven’t seen you since you got married.”

“Well it’s been an adventure…” Bilbo sighed.

“Are you not happy in your marriage to Thorin?”

“I was…am still. In a way, I suppose.”

“What do you mean, Uncle?” Frodo creased his brow.

Bilbo was silent for a moment. He did not want to have to explain the situation quite yet. All he wanted to say was that he was back home for a time and would return to Erebor when he felt it was time. He didn’t need to worry his nephew with his marital problems, let alone his emotional ones. Frodo was so innocent and Bilbo didn’t want to ruin that for him. The young hobbit deserved to know happiness for as long as he could.

“Frodo, it is not an easy answer. I’m staying in the Shire for a while because Thorin and I decided that it was needed. I love Thorin with all my heart. We just need some time to think and figure things out for ourselves right now.”

Frodo did not look satisfied with that response, but he nodded. Bilbo stood and touched his nephew’s shoulder.

“We appreciate you bringing food by here. I’ll go make you a bed so that you will not have to walk back home in the dark. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Bilbo made his way through his home and made up a bed in one of the guest rooms for Frodo before he retired to his own room. He had been glad to see the hobbit, but Bilbo was not prepared to explain his situation to his nephew. As he lay in his warm bed, he thought of Thorin, Fili, and Kili. He longed to be lying next to his husband and to hear the laughter of the two mischievous dwarves creating chaos throughout the halls of the Lonely Mountain. Bilbo wondered when he would see them again before he drifted into sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not proofread this so please excuse any minor errors. Enjoy!

The sounds of pots and pans clinging together woke Bilbo from his sleep. He lay in bed for a moment before remembering that Frodo had spent the night. His nephew was making some kind of a racket in the kitchen by the level of noise that was echoing through the house. Bilbo sighed and got out of bed, donning a robe to remain modest. He had gotten used to sleeping half-naked with Thorin and he had to remind himself that he was not with Thorin at that moment.

As Bilbo entered the kitchen he saw that his nephew was cooking breakfast, and a lot of it. When Frodo spotted Bilbo he smiled.

“Good Morning, Uncle.”

“Morning, indeed. I did not expect you to be up this early.” Bilbo took a seat at the table.

“I’m always up this early. First breakfast is my favorite part of the day,” Frodo laughed. “I see that living with dwarves has affected your eating and sleeping habits.”

“Yes, this is true. I sleep in more than I should.”

Frodo busied himself with cooking while Bilbo tried to adjust to being awake so early. He couldn’t remember that last time he’d eaten first breakfast. _Perhaps it had been shortly after Thorin and I got married_ , Bilbo thought.

“Bilbo?”

The hobbit blinked and noticed that his nephew had been speaking to him.

“Yes?” Bilbo asked.

“Will Gandalf be joining us for breakfast?”

Bilbo looked down that hall. “Honestly, I’m not sure, Frodo. He may sleep in for a while longer. We haven’t had a good rest since we left Rivendell.”

“You stayed in Rivendell?” Frodo’s eyes lit up at the mention of the elf kingdom.

“For about a week, yes. Lord Elrond had some important advice for me to hear.”

“What advice was that?” Frodo asked curiously.

Bilbo was silent for a moment. He wasn’t sure how to much to tell his dear nephew. “Frodo, it is advice that I hope you never have to encounter. It is advice for those who are in need of healing from wounds that go deeper than the skin.”

“Uncle?” Frodo’s expression grew concerned. “Is everything alright?”

Bilbo sighed. “Yes, lad. It’s nothing you need concern yourself with.”

~

Bilbo sat at a small desk in the study staring at a piece of parchment. He needed to write to Thorin, but something held him back. His discussion with Frodo that morning had caused him to question whether he should adhere to Elrond’s advice. He had made it sound dreadful when describing it to the young hobbit earlier. Now he wondered if it would be worth it to put himself through all the pain once more.

Bilbo looked at the parchment once more and began scribbling.

_Thorin,_

_I have reached the Shire safely. It has been a tiring journey and I am glad that I am in a place of comfort. I must admit though, I miss our home in the mountains. I’ve grown accustomed to our life there that I almost forgot to put on a robe this morning before greeting my nephew. I must say it is quite different from greeting you in the morning._

_I feel like I’ve been away from some time now. My guess is a little over a year now._ _The journey from Erebor is extremely long on foot, as you well know. Frodo surprised me by coming over the previous night with food. He has been a great help to Gandalf and myself. We would’ve went hungry had it not been for the young hobbit._

_I haven’t explained the situation to him yet. I’m not exactly sure how to bring it up. He reminds me of Fili and Kili achingly so. I miss them both terribly and wish that they were here to make mischief. Thinking of their laughter helps me smile when my heart hurts. Thinking of you also helps me. I thought about our marriage ceremony recently, which I had filed away for a time. It felt nice to have that memory resurface. I suppose I could give you an estimate of how long I will be in the Shire, but it’s not definite. I would say a few months, but it could be longer. When I decide to return home I will send a final letter informing you of my departure of Bag-End._

_I hope that everything is going smoothly in the Lonely Mountain. How are Fili and Kili doing? Please tell them that I send my love and that I miss them so. I count the days that pass by hoping that it brings me closer to returning home to you, Thorin. Not a moment goes by without you on my mind and I feel that my love for you has grown even more since we have been separated. I look forward to hearing from you and the boys._

_With All My Love,_

_Bilbo_

~

Thorin was lying in bed when a knock on the door sounded. He glanced in the direction of the door, giving it an irritated look before climbing from his bed and pulling on his trousers. The knocking persisted until he reached the door, finding Fili and Kili standing there together.

“What is it, nephews?” Thorin leaned against the doorjamb.

“A letter has come for you,” Fili said holding an envelope out towards Thorin.

The dwarf king took it and began to close the door, only to be met with resistance. “What is the meaning of this, you two?”

“We want to know what it says,” Fili answered.

“It’s none of your business what it says.”

“It’s from Bilbo,” Fili objected. “I want to know what news he sends.”

Thorin gave Fili a stern look. “I will tell you what it contains in the morning.” Thorin forced the door shut and made his way to the hearth. He sat down on the fur that was placed in front of the fire and opened the letter. His expression softened while he read. Learning of Bilbo’s safety was a great comfort to the dwarf, as was learning that he may return sooner than expected. Thorin had missed his hobbit dearly and needed to see him again. Fili and Kili were also driving him made more than necessary and he wished that Bilbo were here to reign them in. Those two dwarves had begun to irritate Thorin beyond what they normally did. Their behavior had changed so drastically over the past year. He understood that it was because of the events that had occurred with Bilbo, but he missed the days where they knew innocence instead of despair. They all had been through enough despair to last a lifetime. Thorin knew that the most hurt had occurred after Bilbo’s suicide attempt. It had destroyed Kili. The mischievous nephew that Thorin loved had changed drastically, making the dwarf king wonder if Kili would ever feel carefree again.

Kili, as of late, had become silent. He did not speak unless he felt inclined too, which wasn’t often. Young Kili kept to himself mostly. Thorin hadn’t worried that much at first until Kili began spending time apart from Fili. The two were inseparable at one time and now Kili had decided that he did not need to be with his brother. It was as if their bond had broken apart. Thorin became aware of this fact when Kili stopped sitting next to his brother at meals.

Fili, on the other hand, had begun to accept his responsibilities as the next in line for the throne. He shadowed Thorin and attended the meetings that Thorin held. The dwarf king could see the sadness in his nephew’s eyes though. Fili was becoming isolated, having to accept Kili’s new mannerisms and learning what desolate life meant. Thorin tried to help them realize that all had not been lost, but it didn’t seem like they believed him. As much as Thorin stressed Bilbo’s return, the more his nephews began to doubt him and the words he spoke.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Bilbo felt sweat beading on his brow. He and Frodo had been outside for a good while tending to the garden that the young hobbit had kept up while Bilbo had resided in the Lonely Mountain. Bilbo felt pride fill him knowing that his nephew had done more than what was required of him to keep Bilbo’s home nice and cozy. Bilbo felt grateful for his nephew, as well. Without him, Bilbo may not have been able to reclaim a good routine upon returning to Bag-End. For the past few weeks Bilbo had been getting up in time for first breakfast and would to the market with Frodo for some leisure time after doing chores around the house. He and Frodo had also made a habit of taking walks every afternoon. Bilbo would tell Frodo of his adventures and of the married life. It gave Bilbo great relief to talk about things openly, even though he had not disclosed everything to Frodo yet.

As he wiped sweat from his face he noticed that Frodo had paused in his work. “Do you want to rest for a while, Frodo?”

“No, Bilbo. I’m fine. It’s just that something crossed my mind…”

“What thoughts do you linger upon?”

“Why did you venture here on your own? Why didn’t Thorin accompany you?”

“Well, my dear boy, Thorin is King under the Mountain. He has responsibilities that he could not ignore to venture here with me. He had to stay in Erebor.”

“Does it not upset you that you do not get to see him for so long?”

Bilbo sighed. “Yes, Frodo, it is extremely painful to be away from him after being together for so many years, but the life I once knew changed suddenly and I needed to be reminded of what it means to be a hobbit.”

Bilbo stood, dusting off his trousers. “I think I will take a nap for a while. The air feels somewhat heavy.” With that said, Bilbo walked back into the hobbit-hole and found solace in his bed.

~

When Bilbo awoke it was dark outside. He hadn’t intended to sleep the afternoon away, but sleep had consumed him completely. He hadn’t slept that long in ages. He sat up in his bed, noticing that a small envelope lay upon the floor. Bilbo slowly moved to retrieve it. When he noticed Thorin’s familiar handwriting on the front he hurried to open it.

_Bilbo,_

_I am glad to know that you are safe in the Shire with the company of Gandalf and Frodo. I’m afraid that things here have not been the same for quite some time. I am concerned about Fili and Kili. Kili hasn’t spoken for months now and I worry that he will not speak again. He has isolated himself from everyone, even his older brother. Fili is suffering from this since he is so attached to Kili. I can’t help but fear for both their sakes._

_I miss you as well, my burglar. I long for you to return home as well…and soon. The boys have lost all hope of you returning to the mountain and as much as I try to assure them that you will be coming back, they have resigned themselves to thinking that I say those things for my benefit. They do not believe that you are coming back home and it saddens me to think of what all of these events have done to those two dwarves. I hope that things will get better once you return to us._

_As for telling Frodo of our situation, it may not be wise to hide it from him. It may even help to disclose the truth, possibly shed some light on the current situation. I don’t want you to feel the need to hide things from Frodo when in the end he may be able to help you in some way._

_Love,_

_Thorin_

Bilbo sat down on his bed looking at the letter. He had hoped to hear good things from his husband, but the letter was morbid. Fili and Kili were deteriorating and Bilbo didn’t know how to fix it. _Maybe I should write to them individually_ , he thought. He shook his head and sighed. It was something he was going to have to think about for a while.

Bilbo began undressing and re-dressing for dinner when he heard Frodo calling his name. Bilbo hurried to dress before his nephew got to his room, but he was not quick enough. Bilbo had just laced his trousers when Frodo entered the room.

“Bilbo, I’m about to start din-“ Frodo stopped mid-sentence.

Bilbo turned to see Frodo’s eyes go wide. He had seen the scars that lined Bilbo’s back. The hobbit quickly pulled on a shirt and moved towards his nephew.

“Frodo…”

The young hobbit stepped back and left the room. Bilbo followed him into the kitchen.

“Frodo, let me explain,” Bilbo pressed.

The young hobbit stopped and faced his uncle. “Did Thorin do that to you?”

Bilbo shook his head. “No, my dear Frodo. Let’s sit down and I will tell you what happened.”

Frodo resisted Bilbo’s suggestion though. He remained standing, looking at his uncle, and a devastated expression on his face.

“Trust me when I tell you this is not how I intended for you to find out about the scars. I was going to tell you how I got these scars, but I just didn’t know how,” Bilbo tried, gesturing to Frodo to sit down.

“What happened?” Frodo slowly sat down at the table with Bilbo taking a seat next to him.

“Frodo, I was kidnapped and tortured by someone who felt the need to possess me. Thorin saved me from the dungeon where I was held. These scars were given to me because I refused to obey orders that were given to me. I would not give in like expected.”

“What orders? Who did this?”

“Frodo, it matters no longer. I do not want you to know about everything that happened while I was held captive. I survived and that’s what matters. But, I am here in the Shire because of another reason. After Thorin brought me back home I was not healing as I thought I would. I tried to end my suffering and it caused more grief. I hurt loved ones that I had not intended to hurt. Finally, I decided that I had to leave for a while and heal on my own so that I could return to Erebor happier. I know this is a lot to take in, but understand that I did not hide this from you on purpose. I just didn’t want to cause you any grief.”

The young hobbit sat quietly as Bilbo looked at him. He expected some kind of reaction from his nephew, but it did not come. Instead, Frodo said, “So, Thorin didn’t do that to you?”

“No, he didn’t. He killed the elf that did though.”

“An elf did that? I thought that elves were regal creatures that only did what was best for the world in general…”

Bilbo sighed. “Most are, Frodo. This particular one was different though. He did not care about the world that laid beyond his kingdom. He stole what he could not have and tried to break it.”

“You mean you…”

Bilbo nodded. “I know this is a lot to absorb. I don’t want you to feel any anguish from learning of these things.”

Frodo stood. “I think I’m going to go home for a while. I need some time to digest everything.”

“Of course.” Bilbo offered to walk Frodo out, but the young hobbit declined. Once he left the hobbit-hole, Bilbo felt sadness consume him. He hated that Frodo had found out the way he did and that he had looked so numb when leaving. Bilbo wondered if he would see his nephew again after the discussion that had just transpired.


	22. Chapter 22

Frodo sat on the bank of the river that ran through the valley of the Shire. The sun was shining bright, making things appear wonderful and happy. Hobbits were out and about, carrying on merrily. Frodo wished that he could do the same. Finding out the reason for Bilbo’s visit had shocked him terribly. He had never thought that something so awful could happen to anyone, let alone his uncle. It had hurt him to learn of Bilbo’s suffering, but it infuriated him even more to know that Thorin had not tried to stop this from happening. The dwarf king was supposed to take care of Bilbo and keep him out of harm’s way, not allow someone to kidnap the hobbit and abuse him until he almost died.

A stone rotated in the young hobbit’s hand. He felt the smooth surface as he ran his thumb across it. Frodo refused to look at the object though. He once knew life like he knew this stone, smooth and delicate; something that never had any rough patches. Now, he found that there were always rough patches, especially when they appear suddenly. He wished that life was like the stone that he held, and that Bilbo’s life was too. The world was finally showing her true nature to the young hobbit that had only known the life of the Shire and the happiness that surrounded him in the small community. Life was finally acquainting herself with Frodo Baggins.

The stone flew from the hobbit’s hand, crashing into the water that lay before him. He did not want to know the true horrors of life. He wanted to believe that good overpowered the world and that evil was rare and would never come close to touching him. As Frodo thought about the situation more, he was joined by a wandering wizard.

“You’re wondering about this world…” Gandalf began. Frodo nodded and brought his knees up towards him, hugging them close.

“You know, sometimes this world cannot be explained. We just have to accept what we know and move on.”

“It doesn’t seem that simple.”

Gandalf chuckled. “It’s not, Frodo. What happened to your dear uncle wasn’t that simple and it’s still not. It’s taken time for all of us to come close to moving on.”

“All of us?” Frodo asked.

“Yes. What happened affected the entire kingdom of Erebor.” Gandalf glanced at the young hobbit. “Bilbo is well-loved by everyone in that mountain and when he was taken every dwarf felt the sadness that began to claim their home. We all felt it after Bilbo was brought back home as well. We knew that he was hurting. We all tried to help him, but we were not enough.”

“What do you mean?”

Gandalf sighed deep. “Bilbo’s suicide attempt drove us over the edge, especially Thorin, Fili, and Kili. Those three felt the greatest grief.”

“I understand Thorin’s, but why did it affect Fili and Kili as much?”

“You’re close to your uncle, correct?”

Frodo nodded.

“Well, Fili and Kili’s relationship with Bilbo is similar to yours. They spent hours every day with the hobbit and he became like a mother to them. He cared for them when they were sick or wounded. He scolded them when they were mischievous, which was quite often I must say. Bilbo meant so much to them, like he does to you.” Gandalf paused for a moment before continuing. “Kili was one of the people that found Bilbo after he had tried to kill himself.  He had witnessed the life draining from his body and watched as the blood had gushed from his arms. Kili is only a little order than yourself, Frodo. I think that seeing Bilbo in that state changed him completely. He had only known a little of the burden that the world provides us, but after that event a part of him was different.”

“Bilbo didn’t tell me that.”

“Bilbo tried to shield you from the horrors that he’s faced since he left the Shire years ago. He knew that you would be affected and he didn’t want to you suffer what he watched Kili suffer.”

Frodo looked at the Wandering Wizard. “Does time help ease the burden?”

“It’s hard to say. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. I watched Thorin try to help Bilbo for over two years now. Here we are, though. They are worlds apart, writing letters and trying to keep things together. It’s not an easy task, I pray you. But, I think that after surviving everything they’ve been through that this is the easiest thing they’ve had to endure. I have hope that their burden will lessen because they are doing this together.”

“What of Fili and Kili?”

“They are a different story, I’m afraid. They are young and naïve to many things. The past year has changed both of them, especially Kili. He has not spoken a word in months, but no one knows why. He even stopped spending time with his brother. Those two used to be inseparable. They even shared the same bed to sleep in. Now, Kili has chosen isolation and left his brother to make his way on his own. I do hope that Bilbo’s return will bring them back together.”

“What do you think I should do, Gandalf?” Frodo asked.

“Frodo that is your decision to make. You can let the darkness take over or you can move past it, but I do not think that you should punish your uncle for not telling you the truth sooner. He was trying to find the right time to tell you and he hadn’t found it yet. He never intended to have you find out this way.”

“Who did it?” Frodo asked.

Gandalf hesitated. “Bilbo didn’t tell you?” Frodo shook his head.

“I’m not entirely sure it’s my place to tell you then. If Bilbo did not tell you then he must have his reasons.” The wizard stood, looking out at the water that move past them. “Sometimes it’s best not to know everything…”


	23. Chapter 23

Fili sat in his chamber, staring at the bed across from his own. Kili had not slept in that bed for months now. The younger dwarf had asked Thorin for a new room so that he could have more privacy and his request had been granted, although the dwarf king had hesitated on the subject. Fili sighed and looked at his knees that were bent in front of him. He missed his brother and wished desperately to hear his laughter, to see him smile, to embrace him. Kili hadn’t allowed anyone to touch him either, not even Fili. He longed to hug his brother.

Fili looked up to see Thorin walking into the room. Fili made no move to get up and greet his uncle. He was not in the mood to be polite, even to his own kin.

“Fili,” Thorin began.

“Thorin, please,” Fili interrupted. “I cannot do this anymore. I cannot pretend that everything is alright and that Bilbo is coming home.”

“That is not why I came to see you.” Thorin sat down on the bed. “Something has come for you.” Thorin slowly revealed the letter that he held.

“What is it?” Fili asked while reaching for the parchment.

Thorin kept it out of reach. “It’s a letter from Bilbo.”

“May I have it?” Fili looked at his uncle with sad eyes.

“After you read it I want to talk to you about your brother.”

“Alright,” Fili nodded, even though he wasn’t in the mood to talk about Kili. He opened the letter that Thorin had relinquished and began reading:

_Fili,_

_I would usually start this letter with asking how you are faring in the Lonely Mountain, but I believe I already know the answer. Thorin has informed me that a rift exists between you and Kili. How this happened, I cannot say, but I do know that you are suffering beyond reason. Your brother was a source of happiness for you and he has distanced himself from you. My dear Fili, I ask you to keep hope, to reach out to Kili because if you don’t he will never come back. He will be gone forever and I will not have both of you suffering any longer. I am not blaming this occurrence on you. I am simply saying that you have to help Kili heal from whatever is ailing him. It won’t be easy and simple. It will take every bit of strength out of you and it will make you cry and feel sorrowful. But, it will be worth it once you have Kili back._

_This world is so dreary at times that it’s hard to see the light and the good that lies before us. I’m just now realizing this for myself, Fili, and I’m hoping that you can find some good as I have. Remember that you are not alone in this world. You have Thorin and myself, even though I am a distance away. I believe that you still have your younger brother as well. He is just lost at the moment. Help him find his way back. Don’t forget that Thorin is there to help you when you need it. He may be King under the Mountain, but he is your uncle first. You don’t have to face this alone, my dear Fili._

_Love,_

_Bilbo_

Fili looked up at his uncle. “I take it you know what this letter contains…”

“Some of it, yes. Bilbo wrote to me as well telling me that he would be writing to you about Kili.”

“Any advice on the situation?” Fili leaned against the headboard of his bed. “Because I’m all out of ideas.”

“You do not have to do this right at this very moment. Think on it, then you may act.”

“I’m tired of thinking on it. I’ve tried everything I could think of and nothing gets through to him.”

“Maybe he just needs someone to be there; not to talk to him or try to reason with him, but to sit and be quiet with him.” Thorin patted Fili’s knee and stood, taking his leave. Fili watched him go before looking at Kili’s bed once more. He would have his brother sharing their room again. He just hoped that he was successful in his attempts at getting Kili to agree to it.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the tremendously long period of time without providing an update on this fic, but now it is here. Enjoy!

Bilbo was tidying up the kitchen when Frodo entered. He had been concentrating immensely on the task before him, barely noticing another’s presence in the room. Frodo found his place next to Bilbo, taking dishes from him to dry and put away. The two worked quietly for a moment, allowing the silence to envelope them together.

“Gandalf spoke with me,” Frodo began, hesitating slightly on the subject. It was a difficult subject for both of them to breach, but it needed to be addressed. “He said that you were going to tell me when the time felt right and I suppose that I acted a bit rash at the news.”

“There’s no need to apologize for your actions, Frodo. Some things are not easy to take in and handle with grace. I should know.”

Frodo paused for a moment, glancing at Bilbo. “I’m here if you want to talk about what happened to you, Uncle. I know you may not want to discuss it, but it may help to voice it.”

Bilbo sighed, “For now, I think it best not to discuss it. I think that it is time that I travel back to Erebor, and you shall come with me…if you wish.”

“What will I do in Erebor? I am not accustomed to the lives of dwarves.”

“They have a tendency to grow on you,” Bilbo chuckled. “Their mannerisms take some getting used to, but they quite enjoy the company of hobbits, especially when it comes to making us feel flustered. But, they are noble beings that care for those that are close to them.”

“Are there dwarves my age?” Frodo asked innocently, but knowing that there were dwarves his age.

“Fili and Kili, Thorin’s nephews. They are a little older than yourself, but not by much. They enjoy a life of mischievous deeds, like causing pillars to collapse and stealing food from important meetings.”

“They sound like hobbits,” Frodo laughed. “Merry and Pippin make a habit of stealing crops from some of the local fields. Always gets the farmers mad.”

“I wish that they still had that kind of spirit within them, Frodo. Fili and Kili have changed over the past couple years, and they may have lost the spirit that kept them playful and carefree. That’s why I want you to accompany me back to Erebor. You would be good for those two.”

“Who will stay here and look after Bag-End if I go with you, Uncle?”

“Sam Gamgee is a fine lad. He can take care of the upkeep while you’re away. You aren’t required to stay in Erebor. Only visit with me for a time. You may always find your way home to the Shire when you wish, Frodo.”

“As long as I can make it back. Sam will have a fit if he never sees me again.”

Bilbo gazed at Frodo, his brow raising. “Are you and Sam…?”  

Frodo blushed. “I-um…”

Bilbo smiled, putting a wet hand on Frodo’s shoulder. “Don’t be bashful. I’m going to prod about your intimate life, although I should since that’s what Uncles do.”

“Bilbo, I don’t think I would be able to relate anything due to shyness.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Frodo. The heart wants what it wants.”

“I suppose so.”

Bilbo handed Frodo the final dish from the sink. “We’ll leave in a week. That will give you plenty of time to say your farewells to Sam, and even get a little affection in before we depart.”

Frodo nodded. Bilbo left him with one final thought. “You will come back, my dear Frodo. Don’t doubt it.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo and Frodo prepare to leave the Shire

_My Dearest Thorin,_

_I write to inform you of my departure of the Shire. I have decided that it is time for me to return after Frodo’s discovery of the scars on my back. I had intended to tell him of the events, but his untimely entrance into my quarters while I was partially dressed revealed the truths that I had not been able to tell him. He will be accompanying Gandalf and myself back to the Lonely Mountain. I feel that he may be able to help Fili and Kili in some way since he is closer to their age than either of us. We will make stops along the way, most likely in Rivendell. We will travel as quickly as possible, for I long to see you once again. Please relay my love to Fili and Kili, for I miss them as well._

_With All My Love,_

_Bilbo_

~

Frodo met Sam by the tiny garden that was blooming behind Bag-End. He touched Sam’s face gently, feeling the tears coating his face.

“I don’t want you to leave, Mr. Frodo.”

“I have to, Sam. It’s important to Bilbo that I go with him for a time. I will come back.”

“You have to come back. Hobbits belong in the Shire.”

“Oh, Sam,” Frodo said, smiling at his companion. The two embraced, arms twining around one another, lips finding lips, soft moans escaping in between kisses. Frodo lay in the grass, surrounded by flowers and plants, allowing Sam to undress him from the waist down. The two had been seeing one another for a time, each meeting more precious than the last. This instance was no different. Sam knelt between Frodo’s legs, pushing them apart, widening the gap between Frodo’s cheeks. Sam was gentle, pushing slowly into Frodo, feeling the hole give way so that the two could be joined together. Frodo closed his eyes, his hands gripping the soft ground that he lay upon. Sam began thrusting deeper, feeling the hole tightening around his shaft. The two moaned loudly as the pace quickened. The need to for release was approaching, the two covered in sweat and dirt. Sam pushed into Frodo hard, his penis pulsating, releasing warm juices inside of Frodo. Sam leaned down, kissing Frodo, making sure that he knew that he would have to come back to Sam.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The three set out the next morning, making their way towards the Last Homely House where they intended to seek refuge, even though it would be days before they laid eyes upon Elrond’s kingdom. Bilbo often focused on the path before him as the group traveled. Not much small talk was exchanged. Gandalf led the way through the trees, finding the fastest and safest path for them to take. Frodo would occasionally request a short break due to the excessive pain in his feet from the constant walking. He had never embarked on such a journey, and his feet needed relief.

They made camp many nights by the water, which allowed some time to soak and feel refreshed before continuing the journey in the morning. Frodo often thought of Sam and how their last night together had gone. He could still feel Sam inside of him, thrusting deep, making him moan from the pleasure it made him feel. Frodo found that he often needed to hide the erections that he got from thinking such thoughts as well, but it was hard not to think of Sam. He was a source of happiness that Frodo had.

Bilbo thought of the journey ahead of them, knowing that one of their stops would not be pleasant for anyone, especially him. He wished that Thorin would be able to be there for that particular stop, but that would most likely not be the case. Bilbo needed to do this on his own, and he was determined to do so. He hoped that his stay in Rivendell would help him face what was waiting ahead of him.


End file.
